Not Ready

This post already feels like it is going to be all over the map - so bear with me. I just feel like I need to talk - or type in this case.

It frustrates me that I'm still hurting and angry over something that happened over a year ago. I miss being in a relationship - I miss the talks, the kisses, the dates, the romantics dinners, walks, etc...well pretty much everything that accompanies man. But I think I know why God isn't bringing a man into my life at this point. That is a big step on its own - I think. I keep saying that I'm not looking for a boyfriend, that I don't really have time for one anyways, that I need to focus on my school, that I don't really need one because I have such great friends to hang out with instead. All this is true - but it is really just a cover up for the pain and hurt and longing I have. Ready for it? I'm not ready for a significant other. That's it - it is that simple (well not really). I'm still angry and hurting. I'm still bitter and frustrated. I'm still healing. How am I supposed to help a new relationship blossom if I spend so much time planning my revenge?

I was looking through some recent pictures, and realized that I can see the sadness and hurt in my own eyes. Is that sad - when you know that you had a good time that night, and that you are smiling and enjoying yourself in that picture, but you can still see how empty you are?

Our pastor has been speaking about peace. This Sunday he talked about Finding Peace Within. I must admit I went into the service angry (about a completely different matter) and unwilling to absorb anything from that service. I was in tears by the end! Peace and healing comes from going to God - the only one who can give you that peace and healing. Isn't it funny how simple it sounds - and yet we don't think of it ourselves? Also how hard it can be to actually do that? God allows tribulations in our lives - even though he knows they are coming and knows that they will hurt us - so that we continue to run to Him!

A book I would like to read this winter is by Stephen Arterburn - "Healing is a Choice". Pastor Colin Greene summarized a very good point this author made in his book. Feeling facilitates healing. Is there a problem you need to address? Are you angry? This is the part in the sermon where I started to pay attention. Yes. I am angry. I am plotting my revenge. I am harbouring a hatred towards someone from my past. Yes, it does affect my life now. Yes, it has left scars and has left me bitter. I've been telling you that I've been healing, that I'm better, this and that. I think that has been denial of what is really going on. I've been shovelling all my feelings into the back corner of my heart and mind, and covering them up with daisies and lollipops. I'm not letting myself feel it because I know how much it hurts! But I need to feel it because I need to know how much it hurts so I run back to God - the only one who can make it better and bring peace into my life.

Typing this has left tears running down my face - and it is most definitely going to make it difficult for me to finish studying for my exams tomorrow... I think I'm going to leave it at that, make an attempt at recovery and get back at it. Thanks for listening.

The Pros and Cons of Winter

Pros

• Large quantities of snow
• And thus, SNOWBOARDING!
• Christmas!
• Snow angels
• Snowmen
• Snowmobiling
• Getting pulled on a tractor tire behind the snowmobile
• Snowball fights
• Tobogganing
• Hot tubbing outside, getting out to roll around in the snow, and getting back in
• Hot cocoa by a fire
• Hot apple cider
• Getting tackled by a very excited black retriever who, might I mention, LOVES the snow
• Ice skating on the dugout
• Just how beautiful everything is when it is covered in a blanket of frost and snow

Cons

• -40 with windchill. Need I say more?
• Walking between classes when its freezing cold
• Icy roads full of people that have somehow forgotten how to drive
• BEFORE the snowplow comes out, when I have to use my car as the snowplow to get up my driveway
• Getting stuck because my car can't actually make it up my driveway through those snowdrifts
• AFTER the snowplow comes out, when a two-lane street is really only one and a half

I think it is safe to say that I love winter too.

Got My Snowboard Fix

On Friday, the weather forecast for all of Alberta was a winter storm warning - with up to 20 cm of snow, gusting winds, and guaranteed bad roads. Many highways were shut down due to the large number of accidents.

The Marmot Basin snow report was over 200 cm of total snowfall, with a 191 cm base, and all runs open. And they have a new express quad that takes you from the bottom to the upper mountain. Previously you had to take two chairs - one express quad and one triple - to cover the same distance.

So what did a few friends and I decide to do? Drive to the mountains of course! We had just finished classes, and had been patiently waiting to get our snowboard fix. Besides, we weren't going to study for finals yet anyways!

Having successfully squeezed four adults (well two of us are really only half an adult each), and four snowboards into the Jetta, we headed out at 530am. The roads were crap for the first two hours of the four hour drive - or so I'm told. I scored a passenger seat - rather than the drivers - and slept through it. Oops? We finally made it - an hour and a half after opening, but we made it nonetheless. Conditions = snow, snow and more SNOW! Visibility = not so great. Worth it? Definitely.

Marmot has more snow now, than they did at any point last season. Shredding powder is a lot harder on your muscles than a groomed run, but the trade off is that when you wipe - it doesn't hurt. You simply create a large mushroom cloud of snow instead! We definitely had our fair share of solid crashes, but again, WORTH IT!

Probably our wisest moment of the day was deciding to stay at one of the Jasper hostels rather than driving home yet that night. Roads were decent (considering) in the morning, but had been expected to get progressively worse throughout the day. And it hadn't stopped snowing the entire time we were there.

You may have seen these on Facebook, but here are a few pictures of our adventure:

All geared up and ready to go!

Left: Colette, Right: Josh

Just look at all that snow!

Michael

I am so in my happy place...

Next time she'll do this off a 30ft jump. Right Colette?

Music

Well that last post was a little bit spiteful. Not my usual lets tell a story vibe! That is okay, sometimes thats how I feel and I just need to get it out. I needed to tell someone, and my blog is handy for that! Anyways, I'm sitting here waiting to go to church, listening to my most recent playlist on iTunes, and thought I'd share with you my favourite songs of the moment. I'll give you the titles, maybe a line or two, but I encourage you to download them and give them a listen!

Outside - Staind

"I'm on the outside. I'm looking in. I can see through you, see your true colours."

Sleep Alone - Bat for Lashes

This one is just really cool musically.

You - Breaking Benjamin

"Promise me you'll try, to leave it all behind. 'Cause I've elected help, lying to myself."

Masterpiece Theatre Pt 3 - Marianas Trench

An awesome mix of several songs from their latest cd.

Help I'm Alive - Metric

"Can you hear my heart beating like a hammer?"

Forever - Papa Roach

"Because days come and go, but my feelings for you are forever. One last kiss before I go - it is time to let you go."

Crushcrushcrush - Paramore

"Nothing compares to a quiet evening alone."

Swing Life Away - Rise Against

"I'll show you mine, if you show me yours first. Lets compare scars and I'll tell you who's is worse." "Lets live on front porches and swing life away."

Anti-Venom - USS (Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker)

"You make music in my heart I beat to, you make music in my heart a dance to."

Angry

I've noticed that, even as time goes on, I'm consistently angry. At Jordan, and the vast majority of his immediate family. For little things and big things and well, just everything having to do with them. Its poisonous! I want to stop being angry and just MOVE ON already! I want to take my own advice and just get over it - because he certainly has. I just hate him so much!

If you want to know - this trigger has to do with facebook. Does anyone else besides me find it extremely immature when your ex (who - might I mention - was your boyfriend for three YEARS and then your FIANCE?!?!), and his father and brother, delete you as a friend from facebook. One of the above even blocked me! Like seriously? Grow up!

So please, pray for me. Help me to get this poison out of my life and let God heal me. He's the only one who can.

Searching

A few months ago, my family and I decided we needed to take a break from attending the church that we've attended for the past 5 years. It was a personal decision - with all the issues between Jordan and I, and with our general feeling of unrest. The church was lacking in: the opportunity for my parents to be involved in a worship team, and a solid College & Career base. It has a youth group, and it has a lot of people we have come to know and love. But we weren't worshipping there anymore. It was just a place to go on Sunday, and that's not what church is meant to be! I know for me, I just didn't want to go at all. Walking through those doors put me on edge, and I would be tense and angry through the entire service - NOT conducive to growing close to God. So we left, and sometimes that is something you need to do.

Since then, we have been searching for a church that fills our family's current needs, and for a place where we belong as a family. We've tried about three churches since then; the first one my parents really liked, and we knew some people that attended there already. But again, it was lacking in a College & Career group. In fact, I think I was the only person my age in the entire building. Next we tried Beulah Alliance - a huge church. It was a cool experience, but without persistent effort to get yourself involved, there was no opportunity for meaningful relationships. Now we've arrived at Ellerslie Baptist. I like it there, which is odd for me, because I have been generally guarded and hesitant about church in general. It has a good youth group, a thriving C&C (I even knew one of the girls that attended already), and a wide variety of age groups. The late morning service is filled with young adults and youth that, not only attend, but sit at the front. Just like the Pineridge days! I've attending their C&C group since then, and it is warm and welcoming, and they actually talk about God working in their lives in normal conversation - cool!!!

I have also been attending Devon's attempt at starting up a C&C group - it is filled with people I know. By filled I mean, there are two couples attending besides me. My problem lies within that last sentence. There are two couples attending besides me. I have a general distaste towards couples in general. Its just hard when you are single, and forcing yourself to be single, because you need to be. But you've been there. It sucks.

So we've been searching, and we continue to search. Perhaps we have found a place that we belong, but it will take a while to know for sure. Please, pray that we can find a place that our family just fits. A place where we all get the spiritual nourishment we've been craving.

Shredding Powder

Now that summer is gone, I must admit I am ready for snow. I am starting to need snowboarding again. It is a bit of an addiction I suppose - the adrenaline rush of carving down the mountain. When school starts to get intense, I crave a release - and snowboarding does that for me. Nothing but the wind, the snow, you and your board (and some tunes if you wish). I'm usually the type to go for speed - get a little windburn because you are going so fast - but this year my goal is to learn to ride switch and try (no mention of succeed) a few small jumps and/or rails. Autumn colours are beautiful, but that is all it holds (for me). The heat of summer passes, the beauty of fall comes, and before it is gone I'm ready for the next one. The snowboarding of winter. I don't love the cold, but I'll take it a thousand times over in the name of shredding some powder. Mmm, and when you find some thick, fresh powder that hasn't been touched yet. Now that, that really is heaven on earth. Let it snow!!!

Turning 20

1. Its pretty cool that I no longer have "teen" attached to my name. I sort of label this as Step 2 as the transition to adulthood. Step 1 was turning 18. Step 3 will be turning 21 - legal everywhere! Step 4...25 feels like a good adult age. :)
2. Thursday I had my birthday dinner with my family. We had pork, cheesy potatoes, almond-orange salad, and seasoned tomatoes. Mmm. (Followed by cake, of course.)
3. Friday I went out to dinner with two of my closest friends. Afterwards we went to Gateway Lanes and played a few rounds of pool, and then out for ice cream.
4. Saturday I had a the same friends over just to chill. We ended up watching Kung Fu Panda and Monsters vs Aliens, and then passing out in a heap on my parents bed. Haha.
5. As a group, we find joy in the simple things. Lying on the floor giving ourselves belly rubs after a big meal (you should try it), and laughing about flatulence. Or playing pool/going bowling/ nights of spontaneity.
6. This last year has been a tiring, stressful, but overall GOOD year. Things have changed, I've changed, and I can't wait to see what happens next!
7. In my future I see: more traveling! There are a lot of places I want to be able to experience.
8. I have the urge to move out. Maybe not all by myself - it would be fun to get a place with a few friends. But traveling complicates matters. We'll have to wait and see!
9. When I'm done my degree I would like to: Maybe move to BC and teach there? My degree should at least be good in AB and BC, hopefully all of Canada by the time I'm done.
10. As sad as I am to see summer go, I am greatly anticipating the coming snowboard season. Looking forward to multiple trips to Jasper (and staying in the hostel with friends), and maybe a reading week trip to Panorama.
11. Next summer: in order to save a few more pennies than this last summer, I'll have to work more, travel less. Instead, I think I'll go camping with friends, maybe a road trip or two?
12. Finding a church family: We've temporarily left the church we've been attending - to give everyone a chance to breathe. It's hard to find a new place where we all fit, a place that satisfies our family's diverse needs. Even a college & career group would be nice...
13. My 3rd year of university is an odd mix of less & more stressful. Let me explain. Less stressful because I'm getting better and better at managing my time and figuring out how I learn and study best. More stressful because the courses are getting harder.
14. It doesn't actually feel any different to be a year older. I like to pretend that I feel older and more mature and all that jazz, but I don't. It is just another day and another year.
15. I'm learning how to do all the "Mom" things, for someday when I DO move out. Such as making salsa, making turkey, etc. It's fun!
16. Here in AB, there are two classes of "normal" driver's licences. GDL, and then your normal Class 5. I took my Class 5 drivers exam on Wednesday, in a blizzard, with my summer tires on. But luckily I didn't hit anything, and I passed. What a relief!
17. Now it is nice out again, but I am getting those winter tires put on tomorrow morning anyways. Ridiculous Alberta weather...
18. Last day of lessons tomorrow! I haven't actually done the report cards yet. Oops. Guess I should get on that. But it means instead of spending the whole class doing front floats and front crawl (depending on the level), we get to go on the slide and go in the hot tub too! It is a good day.
19. So You Think You Can Dance Canada Finale on Tuesday. Can't wait, I love that show! My favourites are Tara Jean and Vincent. Everett is a close second for the guys, but I don't have another favourite in the girls.
20. With the amount of change in the last year, I can't even imagine what will happen in the next. Both good and bad, bring it on!

What have you done in the last day? week? month? year? What do you anticipate in the next day? season? year? What is on your mind right now?

Giving Thanks

I am going to jump on the bandwagon and list a bunch of things I'm thankful for (because I have ALOT to be thankful for!). As many as I am old...well as many as I will be old on Friday.

1. Jesus loves me - always and forever - no matter the stupid things I do.

2. My family - Mom, Dad, Colin, Branden and Bryce - they have stood by my side and loved me through the thick and thin of this last year.

3. My friends - for new friends, for old friends, for friendships that have grown. Colette - my best friend. She's the one who should have been my sister. Michael - he completes our triangle. Stephanie - my God-fearing sweetheart.

4. Opportunities. Having the opportunity to go to Europe and travel for a month. It was the experience of a lifetime. Being able to attend (and excel) at a prestigious university such as the University of Alberta.

5. My job and my coworkers. I think of all the people that hand out a couple dozen resumes in a day and still don't have a job and I am grateful to have a good paying job and people I love to work with.

6. I live in Canada - in contrast to those who live in a country where they are prosecuted for their faith, or in contrast to those who live in a country so poor that they have to fight to survive.

7. Being able to afford luxuries such as my Mac computer, my cell phone, my own car, an ipod, etc.

8. Having a vehicle to drive. I know this sounds like a repeat from #7, but I'm being particularly grateful that I don't have to walk to school - which would be very cold and long.

9. My cats and dog. Molly, Harley, Charlie, Jazz, Ebony and Leia.

10. Being able to live in the country where I can have this abundance of animals.

11. Living close enough to the University that I can live at home affordably.

12. My snowboard, and the luxury of living close enough to the mountains that day trips are feasible.

13. Having a fridge stocked full of food to eat whenever I feel necessary. Especially now at Thanksgiving where I can eat yummy leftovers for a week!

14. A roof over my head and a bed to sleep in.

15. My feather pillow.

16. That I am not married right now. Not that marriage is a bad thing - but I'm not ready to be there, and if God hadn't saved me almost exactly a year ago, I would have been married right now.

17. Not worrying about money. Of course I'm broke - I'm student, I'd have to be loaded to still have money. But I have a job and I have credit - money is not something to be worried about.

18. Bubble baths and massages. After a stressful week of midterms, or after a hard day, nothing could be more relaxing.

19. The changing of the seasons. When it is spring I am grateful for the fresh rain and new flowers. When it is summer I am grateful for the heat and the beach. When it is fall I am grateful for the colours. When it is winter I am grateful for the snow and the arrival of my semester's relief and oxygen: SNOWBOARDING.

20. I am healthy, and I am alive. I have no allergies, I have no terminal illness, I am not overweight or anorexic, and I am not depressed. Physically and mentally I am healthy.

I am so blessed!!

Contradictions

I think its a female thing. I was going to write a post on how stressed out I was; about little things and big things, silly things and important things. But then I realized that I'm not stressed out - I have a few stressful events that are occupying my thoughts, and I'm a little overtired. So I'm stressed but I'm not - and that itself sends me into a spiral of contradictory emotions. Eventually you're not even sure what you feel? Am I alone in this, am I being over dramatic, or is this really a female thing?

That's not really the point of today's post. What I was going to say - or rather complain about - has a little bit to do with school, and a little bit to do with things in my life I can't seem to get over.

School; I'm trying to finish registering for my courses second semester, but most of the courses I am interested in taking are either only offered first semester, or are scheduled for the same time that I have a different class scheduled for. Why didn't I plan this better? I might end up taking courses I wasn't sure I was interested in, or just only taking four courses total. The latter is less stressful in homework, but means I have to make up that course later on. I have a while before I need to be registered, but I'd like to have it figured out so I don't have to worry about it.

Other; Jordan. He hasn't said anything to me, I haven't had to see him, I should be okay right? Why can't I just move on? It has been a year since the breakup! I feel like I'm pathetic for still struggling with this. I wrote him a letter, saying my peace because I can't seem to get it out verbally. I don't know if I should give it to him or not, because it isn't going to make a difference anyways. I don't want him back - although I'm not sure who I'm trying to convince sometimes. I know more and more every day that he wasn't even my type. I don't even want a boyfriend; well not past the lovely cuddling-having-somebody-who-cares part.

He deleted me as a friend on facebook. His father (our senior church pastor) did too.. Personally, I think this is low. I mean, it shouldn't matter because I'm no longer friends with either of them. But for someone who doesn't even use facebook to sign on a year later to delete his ex-fiance?

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That is why I am stressed out. Here is why I am not:

I'm on top of my homework. In fact, I didn't do anything school-productive besides playing with second semester course registration tonight. I finished my assignment that is due Tuesday, last Tuesday. I'm on top of my notes, and I have midterms coming up that I can study for in a few days.

I have four adorable playful kittens that like to use me as a human jungle gym. They are totally tamed, and I love them.

Thanksgiving dinner is Monday - FOOD. Yay!!

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So here I am, back to square one. I am feeling contradictory.

Kittens

My favourite part of spring is the new batch of kittens that usually arrives mid to late May. This year, however, Molly (our resident Momma cat) miscarried. So no babies. :( Come August we discovered she was pregnant again. She'd already had two miscarriages since last years batch, so we were concerned it would happen again. After we returned from our last camping trip of the summer - she was skinny again. Fearing the worst, we felt for nursing. Sure enough, she'd successfully delivered. Yay!! It took us the next 6 weeks of almost constant searching to find them. Clever cat. Last night I found them in the attic; they were able to get in through a small opening from the garage rafters. After a interesting escapade I managed to sneak in through the hallway attic access and bring the hissing darlings down. (I'm a little sore today.) More than we expected - we were expecting 1 or 2, by the fact that they were so hard to find - but we've got FOUR kittens running around the basement now. I love kittens! Preliminary sexing gives us 2 females and 2 males. Here's a few pics.

From left to right: Jasper, Ebony, Harley & Charlie

Mom is the Calico above them.

Jasper (Male)

All white, slight peach colouring on his ears and tail. Friendliest one.

Ebony (Female)

All black with white hairs framing her eyes (faint). Very frisky, but quite small.

Harley (Alpha Male)

One of the twins, with his own unique marking on his face. It makes him look cranky or "badass" all the time. Both twins have 'siamese' markings on their ears and tail, and a fairly grey coat.

Charlie (Female)

The favourite. She's the other twin, but is whiter than Harley is. She's quite timid, but so precious!

Random Thoughts of the Day

Disclaimer; I do not take credits for any of these - I got them off an email. :D

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just pulling a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you first have to do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem? Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or faq's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a test is absolutely petrifying.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

While driving yesterday, I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Eating dessert, skipping class, and having sex all have on thing in common. Once the idea crosses your mind it's almost impossible not to do it.

Bad decisions make good stories.

Is it just me, or do high school girls get sluttier and sluttier every year?

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like, I know my name, I know where I am from, this shouldn't be a problem...

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVD's? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

There is no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

Even under ideal conditions, people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and pinning the tail on the Donkey. But I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

Now with pictures

We have visual! Michelle finally managed to upload the pictures to facebook, so I took the time to make that post visual. Makes so much more sense this way actually. And, I did it on my new mac. I was so stressed (sort of, not really) about trying to upload pictures on my new mac after all of Niki's frustrations on her blog. But I didn't have as much problems as I expected. Only issues reflected that of trying to adjust to a new computer. Maybe I just have a newer version of my Mac? (ps. I love it.)

Lyrics of the last year

Have you every listened to a cd (or two) and realized that many of the songs 
apply to you?  Maybe they just apply to how you feel that day, or to a specific 
event you've gone through.  I have.  Skillet's new cd Awake, and Thousand 
Foot Krutch's new cd The Flame in All of Us, both have songs that I listen to 
over and over again, because I can relate.  So here they are, I know it is a lot 
of reading, but this is the easiest way to explain how I feel and what I've gone 
through.  Some are just excerpts, and I've put the song titlesbelow, if you would 
like to listen to the song to get a better feel for it.

Let’s get the story straight

You were a poison

You flooded through my veins

You left me broken

You tried to make me think

That the blame was all on me

With the pain you put me through

And now I know that it’s not me it’s you

It’s not me it’s you

Always has been you

All the lies and stupid things you say and do

It’s you

It’s not me it’s you

All the lies and pain you put me through

I know that it’s not me it’s you

So here we go again

The same fight we’re always in

I don’t care so why pretend

Wake me when your lecture ends

You tried to make me small

Make me fall and it’s all your fault

With the pain you put me through

Skillet - It's Not Me its You

The secret side of me

I never let you see

I keep it caged but I can't control it

So stay away from me

The beast is ugly

I feel the rage and I just can't hold it

Skillet - Monster

Forgive me now cause I

Have been unfaithful

Don't ask me why cause I don't know

So many times I tried

But was unable

But this heart belongs to you alone

Now I'm alone in our secret place

Alone in your embrace

Where all my wrongs have been erased

You have forgiven

All the promises and lies

All the times I compromise

All the times you were denied

You have forgiven

Forgive me I'm ashamed

I've loved another

I can't explain because I don't know

No one can take your place

And there is no other

Forever yours and yours alone

I get down on my hands and knees

Feel your love wash over me

There will never be another

You're the only one forever

And you know I'm yours alone

Skillet - Forgiven

I don’t want to play these games,

Your strength has helped me make the change,

Catch me if I fall from grace…

I don’t want to play your games,

‘Cause lonely was a safer place,

Catch me if I fall from grace…

Take the time, to learn to breathe,

‘Cause some day we’re goin’ under,

When did we, all fall asleep?

Won’t someone wake us?

Take the time, to learn to breathe,

‘Cause some day we’re goin’ under,

Help us see, what’s underneath

I wanna take you, wanna break you,

Wanna make you, feel like I do,

I wanna take you, wanna shake you,

Wanna make you know what it’s like

I won’t fight you, I’m not like you,

I wanna make you see what I see,

I won’t fight you, I’m not like you,

I wanna make you feel like I do

Thousand Foot Krutch - Learn to Breathe

Sometimes I don’t wanna be better

Sometimes I can’t be put back together

Sometimes I find it hard to believe

There’s someone else who could be

Just as messed up as me

I want someone to hurt

Like the way I hurt

It’s sick but it makes me feel better

Skillet - Sometimes

Do you know what it’s like when

You’re scared to see yourself

Do you know what it’s like when

You wish you were someone else

Who didn’t need your help to get by

Do you know what it’s like

To wanna surrender

I don’t wanna feel like this tomorrow

I don’t wanna live like this today

Make me feel better

I wanna feel better

Stay with me here

And never surrender

Skillet - Never Surrender

And as a side note, sorry I haven't gotten pics up for the Spontaneity post yet, I'm still waiting to get them. They are coming as soon as possible!!

A Night of Spontaneity

Now, first off, I apologize for the lack of pictures. They are coming! I promise! I wasn't the one with the camera, and she hasn't gotten around to uploading them to facebook yet. Complicated, I know. As soon as they are available to me, you can see them too.

Saturday night I worked until 9 with a few of my friends, Michael and Michelle. Since it was a Saturday night, we decided to head into Edmonton and do something, anything. Our first plan was to see Inglorious Bastards, but it was sold out by the time we got there. Our second plan lead us to the Keg for coffee and cheesecake. YUM!! Afterwards, we agreed that it would be lame to go home and spent a few minutes deliberating.

A night of spontaneity with a camera! The Toys R Us parking lot seemed like a pretty good starting point, and we found a few shopping carts to play around with.

How many lifeguards can you fit in a shopping cart? At least three...

We briefly toyed with the idea of getting pulled over by a cop, just to see if we could talk our way out of it. We settled for a picture of a cop car instead. (Good idea) Next we went to the legislature grounds...

I ran through the sprinklers. No one else wanted to get cold and wet. Lame.

Wading through the pools...

And then the camera died. But the night doesn't end there! We found a traffic circle and drove around it 10 times...got a little dizzy. Drove through the "buses only" section at the University...

Probably one of the funnest nights I've had in a long time. Can't wait to do it again, maybe with even more people!