This is...my life.

Again, I realized that it has been days since I lasted posted. Sometimes I really don't know what to write about - there isn't much exciting going on in my life, and any thoughts/emotions I have are basically the same as the last post. Except maybe not as violent. I supposed I need to remember that the daily happenings here are boring to me, but they may still be of interest to you.

• Re: Apologies. Still angry, but getting better. I find my refuge in the Lord, because there is nowhere else to go, no one else to turn to, and no one else can make it better. And even that is a slow process. I wrote him a letter, since that seems to be the only way I can communicate without screaming and crying. Haven't given it to him yet and I don't think it will do any good. But at least I'll have said my peace. He's never going to give me the apology I desire, so I think I just need to accept that.
• I gave my room the most extensive cleaning that it has ever received since we moved to Alberta. I sorted out my closet, under my bed, etc. and I discovered that I'm a serious packrat. For example, I found an old La Senza bag under my bed, and inside this bag were...more bags...and a shoebox. Inside the shoebox were...even more bags! I threw out a large garbage bag of stuff I could burn, and a second large garbage bag of stuff to go to Salvation army. I even found two old backpacks stashed in the back - both broken and unuseable. Why?!
• I finished the end of summer swim lessons. No more being a drowned rat for at least a month! Yay!! We've also started our annual pool shutdown. The pools will be closed for two weeks, and in this time we have the opportunity to do some cleaning that we can only do when there are no public in the building. So far we've: drained all four pools (leisure pool, lane pool, hot tub and whirlpool), scrubbed a few equipment/janitor room floors with grime away (an acid complex cleaner), organized these equipment/janitor rooms, CLR'd the slide (and accidently stripped some paint off it too), and began cleaning/organizing one of our mechanical rooms. As hard of work as it is...I'm enjoying it! I come home exhausted, but I feel like I've accomplished something. Also, it is cool seeing all the pools empty. The lane pool alone holds over 80 million litres of water. Wow.
• At the moment I'm watching American Outlaws (one of my favorite movies of all time - highly recommend it), making supper (marinated salmon and rice), and getting ready for one more day of shutdown before we head off camping in Saskatchewan. Last big excitement before school starts next Thursday. Ugh.

Well that sums up my life for the past few weeks...hope you enjoyed the brief insight to my life. Ciao till next time.

Apologies

a⋅pol⋅o⋅gy [uh-pol-uh-jee]

Definition: a written or spoken expression of one's regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another

I don't think I need to clarify that definition. It seems pretty obvious and simple as to what an apology entails. In order to apologize for something, you need to be truly sorry. Your authenticity becomes evident within seconds of you opening your mouth. If you feel the need to apologize, you need to humble yourself in order to be able to admit that you were wrong. You have to sacrifice your pride in order to be humble. Any questions thus far? I still think the concept of an apology is a simple thing. How is it possible to get this wrong?

Believe me, it is. First off, speaking for myself, I know that it is not easy to humble yourself and sacrifice your pride. But an apology is fake and useless without it. If you find yourself unwilling to admit that you were wrong - don't bother. I don't want to hear it.

"I want to apologize for how I handled the breakup. I should have spoken the truth in love. Instead, I only spoke the truth."

Guess who's mouth that came out of. Yes, I am furious again. Thought I was doing so good, until he opened his mouth and ambushed me on my first Sunday back to church. I called him when I got home, wishing to meet with him outside of church and try that again. I had some things that I had wanted to say, but didn't get the chance, and I wanted a real apology.

"I do not owe you anything. I will meet with you, but I need a few weeks advance notice. However, I will not apologize for anything else. If you have anything you wish to apologize for, I suggest you think and pray about it beforehand."

Help! I do not owe him another second of my time, not another word out of my mouth, not another smidgen of my emotions. I can't help it! I'm drowning in my own anger and I can not escape. These feelings will never hurt any one but me, and I so long to be free of it all. Every time I see him or hear him speak, I start back at the beginning of the healing process. A fresh wound, every time. I am so sick of this self-righteous, hypocratic Pharisee.

Learning...Me

I'm learning more about myself. Isn't it interesting how, even after 19 years, I still don't know myself? How could I ever completely know anybody else, when I'm still figuring out me. I always knew that I was stubborn, bull-headed and fiercely independent. What I didn't know, is how much that has played into every single decision I've made for all of my life. I didn't know that I insisted on dressing myself since I was 2 years old. I would wear the exact opposite of what my Mom wanted me to wear - and my fashion sense was pretty awful at the time. She couldn't even lay out options for me, I had to choose it completely for myself. Not alot has changed. I still fight suggestions, and feel the need to figure things out and make decisions for myself - even if taking these suggestions into consideration would be for my own good. I almost quit high school band after one year - simply because my Mom wanted me to be in it. I'm glad I eventually came to the decision to stick it out. Sometimes this fierce independence is a good thing. For example, I like to make decisions for my own reasons - not because of anyone elses. I choose things because I want to do them, not because other people think I should do them. Currently, the issue of Bible College is at the center of debate. I have always wanted to go, and I know many of the good reasons to go. But my parents want me to, and that is obvious every time the subject comes up. I don't want to choose to go if I'm only going because they want me to. But I also don't want to not go simply because they want me to - and end up regretting it and disappointing them. My main reason for indecision is that I don't know what the future holds. I only have so much time after I finish my degree to get my Professional Teaching Certificate, and I am not sure how I want to spend that time. Travelling, getting settled into a career, or possibly bible college (among other options).

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On that note, sometimes I want to go to Bible College to see if I can scout out the "right" sort of man. You know, that kind every good Christian girl dreams of marrying. The kind that most good Christian girls do, in fact, find at Bible College. But at the same time, that is why I don't want to go. I don't want to risk finding that guy. Who cares that I've decided I've forgiven Jordan and moved on. I'm still hurting through each day that passes. Some things - such as weddings, chick flicks, and friends in love - get easier, but they are always a painful reminder of how close I was. I still get a lump in my throat when I browse wedding photos, or see the joy on the faces of a young couple in love. My heart is still healing and no matter how much I want someone to need me and love me and cherish me, I'm not ready for the possibility of getting hurt again. I don't want to find somebody that I might like, only to discover that they don't love me back. I know where to look to find that "good Christian boy", and that is exactly why I avoid those places. I'm not yet willing to risk pain for the possibility of joy.

Anticipation

In reflection of my last post, I find myself in a state of anticipation. Not necessarily a state of looking forward to anything, as in being excited about everything that is to come. Some things yes, I'm excited for. But some things not so much. In the next few days, weeks, and months, here are some of the things I am anticipating:

• The end of summer swim lessons. I enjoy teaching, this is why I am taking Education at the University. However, I am tired of being wet and chlorinated every day. I look forward to being dry for more than 3 days in a row.
• Leduc Recreation Centre Pool's annual shutdown. I still have to go to work, partially because I am a supervisor at the pool, and I am (surprisingly) of use to them at this time. This one is more of an anticipation because it involves alot of cleaning. Not just every day wipe the windows type of cleaning. Actual dirt-on-your-knees cleaning. However, I do look forward to possibly learning something new about how the pool works though.
• Camping! Last camping trip of the summer before I head back to school and we're headed to Saskatchewan. Yes!! Saskatchewan has better lakes than Alberta - by far. We are joining another family from our church for a few days in Meadow Lake.
• The start of the 09/10 school year. Definitely just an anticipation. This means studying, lack of a social life, and more moths in my wallet.
• Taking my IPT (first education practicum) second semester. Not sure yet if this is just an anticipation or something more exciting. I'm nervous, yet excited to do something more related to my career.
• SNOWBOARDING! Please do not be upset with me, and understand that I LOVE summer. But I can not wait to shred some powder and get back on the mountains. I'm planning a trip to Panorama in BC for reading week with some friends.

That is all that is on my mind at the moment. I know there is probably more, since I tend to stress and worry about needless things. Big breath...one step at a time. Here we go.

Getting Ready

School is less than a month away. What has happened to my summer?? I hate thinking that it's almost time to get back to the books, and there is no way that I'm ready yet! I've been working my tail off trying to pay for school and travelling, and all of a sudden my summer is gone! Four months of summer and its gone. I spent May in Europe, June catching up and working, July teaching lessons, and August will be spent teaching lessons and getting ready.

I've finally been accepted into the Faculty of Education at the University. My official program is the Bachelor of Science/Bachelor of Education Combined Degree. Now that's a mouthful. I have a program sheet with the courses I've taken, and the courses I need to take to finish my degree. So the last few days have been spent dropping courses, registering for courses, rearranging courses, etc. Trying to make my schedule as neat and convenient as possible, all the while staying within my program requirements. By August, this becomes quite difficult. Most classes are filled, and in order to get the courses you need, you end up staying on campus for long hours.

So far I'm taking my first practicum my second semester, and I have really long Tuesdays and Thursdays, but my Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays allow me to sleep in. Yes! First semester is still in the works. I am registered for 3 of my 5 courses, and I'm waiting on room for the other two. Either way, my days look pretty good so far. Phew, one thing basically done. I've also purchased my parking pass...$838 later. After carpooling and driving to school every day for a year I can not force myself to go back to taking the bus. I just can't do it, no matter how much money I would save. Now all that is left is purchasing textbooks/supplies and all the mental preparation. I don't think I could accomplish the latter even if I had a lifetime.

Lightening: 1 Puny Humans: 0

Re: Thunderstorms

I still love thunderstorms. I still love to watch the massive display of raw power, and hear its crash just seconds later. I think its cool, and I think it makes cool pictures. I don't like to work on these nights - for several reasons. 1) I'm stuck inside, and unable to watch the storm 2) I'm focused on protecting other people while they are at the pool 3) The roads are usually a gong show afterwards on my way home.

All this you already knew about me. What is new, is my blatant realization of exactly how dangerous and powerful these storms really are. This last one that hit central Alberta spanned from Red Deer/Camrose to Edmonton/Devon/Leduc area. Again, I was working. Here is the effect of the storm on some of these locations.

Leduc: Trees on powerlines, cops having a nightmare with roads. Large objects previously thought unmovable flying across the sky. Lost connection with Leduc's major power source - blackout across 90% of Leduc. The only place with power? The pool. This is because you have to do some serious damage to make us get more than a power surge. You have to kill a transformer entirely. We had a few power surges, causing the lights to go out for about 10 minutes at a time, a few alarms to go off, and fire/ems to show up because the alarms go off. Our roof is being repaired, so it rained inside the building alot more than usual.

Devon (aka my house): When my parents got home they discovered that our big glass patio table had been shattered by the hail. Not just cracked. Shattered. Our garden was flattened, and our patio swing canopy was mangled. Leaves, branches, and sometimes full trees everywhere. The Devon outdoor pool had to deal with large tree branches in the pool. No worries, they clear it the second it looks like lightening.

Camrose: Big Valley Jamboree was on this weekend, and you may or may not have seen this on the news. The insane wind caused their main, big performance stage to flip, trapping people underneath. At least one person was presumed dead before the end of the night, and there were at least 15 people in critical condition. The last day of the event was cancelled.

Yep. Lightening/Hail/Wind gets a score of one, and the pathetic humans get none.