Learning...Me

I'm learning more about myself. Isn't it interesting how, even after 19 years, I still don't know myself? How could I ever completely know anybody else, when I'm still figuring out me. I always knew that I was stubborn, bull-headed and fiercely independent. What I didn't know, is how much that has played into every single decision I've made for all of my life. I didn't know that I insisted on dressing myself since I was 2 years old. I would wear the exact opposite of what my Mom wanted me to wear - and my fashion sense was pretty awful at the time. She couldn't even lay out options for me, I had to choose it completely for myself. Not alot has changed. I still fight suggestions, and feel the need to figure things out and make decisions for myself - even if taking these suggestions into consideration would be for my own good. I almost quit high school band after one year - simply because my Mom wanted me to be in it. I'm glad I eventually came to the decision to stick it out. Sometimes this fierce independence is a good thing. For example, I like to make decisions for my own reasons - not because of anyone elses. I choose things because I want to do them, not because other people think I should do them. Currently, the issue of Bible College is at the center of debate. I have always wanted to go, and I know many of the good reasons to go. But my parents want me to, and that is obvious every time the subject comes up. I don't want to choose to go if I'm only going because they want me to. But I also don't want to not go simply because they want me to - and end up regretting it and disappointing them. My main reason for indecision is that I don't know what the future holds. I only have so much time after I finish my degree to get my Professional Teaching Certificate, and I am not sure how I want to spend that time. Travelling, getting settled into a career, or possibly bible college (among other options).

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On that note, sometimes I want to go to Bible College to see if I can scout out the "right" sort of man. You know, that kind every good Christian girl dreams of marrying. The kind that most good Christian girls do, in fact, find at Bible College. But at the same time, that is why I don't want to go. I don't want to risk finding that guy. Who cares that I've decided I've forgiven Jordan and moved on. I'm still hurting through each day that passes. Some things - such as weddings, chick flicks, and friends in love - get easier, but they are always a painful reminder of how close I was. I still get a lump in my throat when I browse wedding photos, or see the joy on the faces of a young couple in love. My heart is still healing and no matter how much I want someone to need me and love me and cherish me, I'm not ready for the possibility of getting hurt again. I don't want to find somebody that I might like, only to discover that they don't love me back. I know where to look to find that "good Christian boy", and that is exactly why I avoid those places. I'm not yet willing to risk pain for the possibility of joy.