Forgiveness and Healing

I hate to spin this new blog off with a depressing start. However, this is what has been on my heart the last few weeks. The last year has not been an easy one. It wasn't all bad, in fact I learned alot - about myself, about life. I don't feel sorry for myself anymore, so you shouldn't either. Perhaps we should be celebrating instead!! Lets recap:

June-October, 2008: The man I believed to be the love of my life proposed. It was beautiful, and of course I accepted. We excitedly began planning, but before long we both went back to school. Now I believe God was at work here, because it wasn't very long before I started having doubts. I had alot of tearful nights, long chats with my Mom, and emails with Jordan. I trusted him, so I shared my doubts and feelings with him, confident that he felt secure in our relationship. The middle of October held our 3 year anniversary, as well as my 19th birthday. Both passed without a word. He came home the following Friday and asked to meet me at A&W. I'm going to spare the details, because I'm not trying to evoke sympathy - or resurface anger and bitterness. Long story short he ended the engagement in a manner that could be considered overly harsh, foolish and lacking in integrity and compassion. I wasn't completely surprised, I think I would have ended it by Christmas if he hadn't.

November 2008- April, 2009: A whole wave of emotions. I trudged through school with my closest friends nearby, holding me up. I still managed to pull out good grades in both semesters one and two. I'd have seasons of anger, and seasons of hurt and sadness. I learned how hard it was to see that person in a familiar element and have them turn their nose the other way. I rebounded with a man who was the total opposite of Jordan. He made me feel loved again. Needless to say it was just that. A rebound. I decided that until I could be happy being single I couldn't be happy in a relationship, and ended it on good terms. I learned from Jordan how not to end a relationship. In this time period I also became really close with a girlfriend from work and school. We decided we wanted to travel the world together, and began planning the trip. Semester two came to a close, and I was still battling periods of fierce hate, anger and bitterness. I'd spend entire car rides to and from work muttering and ranting to myself about how he didn't deserve me. Other car rides were spent with the sunroof open and the tunes blasting. Favorite tunes includes "I hate everything about you" - Three Days Grace and "Red High Heels" - Kellie Pickler. Bet you want me back now don't you, don't you. I was in much need of a getaway. A break from reality.

May, 2009: Europe baby. I got that getaway, and it was the best month of my life. It brought a surge of independence, perhaps a little bit of maturity. And alot of healing. I finally have the hang of this single thing, and I'm actually enjoying it. God will bring a man into my life when the time is right. In the meantime, I'm going act my age. I'm 19 and single and that's the way it should be. (For me anyways)

June, 2009: Shortly after I got back, our church had its annual all church campout up at Camp Nakamun. This is the time and the place where I got engaged. A whole year has passed, and I learned I'm still hurting. I'm still angry. Due to work, I only made it up for the Sunday service. Our speaker talked about forgiveness. Talk about God's providence and timing!! I'll confess, this past year has not been one of closeness between me and God. To be exact, I've been running in the other direction. I believe Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins, and I always will believe that. I simply have not been pursuing a relationship with Him, nor living the appropriate lifestyle. Honestly I'm still working on that part. I still resist being a part of a "religion" that produces Pastors-in-training such as the one I almost married. There are still remnants of anger and bitterness that I'm trying to give to God. The wedding day-to-be has passed, and its a relief. I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

In short, I've made a decision to move on. As part of that, I have decided that I don't want to be a raisin, withered with bitterness. I want to be a grape. Plump with life and joy. Whether or not Jordan ever comes to the point in his life where he realizes that how he handled the breakup was wrong, I'm moving on. For my own freedom, I forgive him. This is a conscious decision, one that I cannot make on my own, and one that will take time. But I choose to forgive.

With forgiveness comes healing.