Kittens make my world go round

I could sit outside for hours watching these guys play. Best part of Spring/Summer by far. The remarkable part of this year is watching how quickly they grow - and being able to see the difference each time a new batch of babies are born. I remember when the first batch was the size of the third batch. My how time flies.

On a side note, the last time I posted about kittens was last summer - when Ebony and Charlie were babies. Now they each have their own litter of kittens.

Flashback

I've been hesitant to share this, but after thinking about it for a few days...here it is. I found this on a loose piece of paper at the back of my journal. It is undated, but gathering from the contents, this was from shortly before my engagement ended. This reminds me how far I have come in the last two years, even though sometimes it doesn't feel like I've progressed at all.

Wide awake and miserable. Unable to cry, unable to rest. My weary heart wants to give in. Wanting two things, but knowing I can only have one. Knowing that to have one means to sacrifice the other, and yet unable to do so. Searching for answers and finding none. Alone, not quite at rock bottom, so unable to heal. Afraid that the perceived "right" isn't so right. Afraid to lose what the heart truly desires, but unsure exactly what that is. Afraid to confess any emotions for fear of rejection, but knowing no progress will come. Exhausted but unable to sleep. Wanting to tell him that his presence is intoxicating. Unable to do so because he is not my betrothed. Wanting to find rest in his arms, but unwilling to sacrifice integrity. Wanting to belong, but already given away. Calling for help with no response. Wishing for a straight answer and some relief. Wanting to know if I am truly alone in my turmoil. Wanting to know if he suffers the same. Afraid to lose. Afraid to be judged. Afraid to inflict pain on another. Desperately seeking peace. Frustrated that answers are wolves in sheep's clothing. Questions disguised as answers. Insecurity. Desperation. Weak from submission. Weak from resisting total submission. Why can't there be a break in the clouds?

Never Been Hurt? Not likely.

"Love as though you have never been hurt before"

I just wanted to ask if anybody actually knew how hard that is? Awesome quote, but it seems a bit unrealistic. I have trust issues, and I know that. But did you know that I think it is a good idea to give up dating? I mean, what is the point? You just get hurt. Here's my thoughts on this.

Dear Father God,

Please help me honour my decision to abstain from useless dating. I don't want a fling or a waste of time. I want to get to know people, make friends, know honourable men. I don't want to date them. I don't like to get hurt, so I don't like to risk getting hurt. I understand that I can't love if I don't risk, but I'm not ready to risk. I have come a long way from 2 years ago. It has not been an easy road. But I'm not ready to risk. So please help me honour my decision to abstain from useless dating. Allow my future husband to enter my life when the time is right, and let us be friends until we both know that by dating we have a chance at forever.

Amen

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Now by saying I want to abstain from useless dating, I am not demanding that the next man I date be the man I marry. Because while that thought is hopeful and lovely - it is also unrealistic and unreasonable. But if I am to date another man who will not be my husband, I hope that it brings me one step closer to meeting the man I AM supposed to marry.

Metaphors

I am a porcelain doll. Both physically and emotionally. My skin is a creamy white, never brown but never pasty. Porcelain. I am little and weak, I break easily. I pretend to be tough, but it doesn't take much to bring me down. I can't stand rejection. To be alone in a crowded room, even a crowded room of familiar faces, breaks me from the inside out. I like to feel nothing and I do my best to hide my true emotions.

I am a ticking time bomb. With a very short fuse. I explode quickly and violently. I care deeply and passionately, but I often hurt the ones I love. I get angry easily.

I am a kettle of boiling water. I simmer quietly and absorb hurt and pain, but boil over unexpectedly. By the time I boil over, I often forget why the kettle was turned on in the first place. I am prideful and I don't like people to see my pain. I have difficulty asking for help and I like to solve my own problems.

Round 2 with the hairbrush.

The note (see here) worked pretty good with two of my brothers. Well mostly with Branden. They all thought it was amusing, and I definitely saw an improvement. However, I was having a particular difficulty with simply helping Bryce remember. We would have a conversation, while he was brushing his hair, about putting the brush back in the drawer but by the time he finished he would have forgotten entirely. He says he has been remembering pretty good lately, so perhaps he's not the only one forgetting. Here is my new solution:

In case you can't tell what is happening in the above picture, I'll explain. That is my bathroom mirror + my re-discovery of window writers. "Dear Bryce, here is an illustration to help aid your understanding."

Anticipation (Pt. II)

I am anticipating my first kiss.

But not my first kiss ever.

Because I've already had that.

I am anticipating my first kiss.

My first kiss

With the man I am going to spend

The rest of my life with.

I won't know it then.

But that first kiss will be

The beginning to a lifetime.

Forever

It feels like it has been forever since I last posted, but I don't think I have anything to say. Maybe that's okay...

But in the name of doing a blog post anyways, here is a brief update on the happenings around here:

• I'm still working evenings at the pool, and I'm getting lonely. I see people at work, but that isn't the same as hanging out with friends and family and doing what you want to do
• I'm re-modeling my room. Well not totally. I'm spring cleaning, packing things into boxes that don't need to be in my crowded and cluttered room. And I'm moving furniture around to give it a new look.
• I got a second job at the outdoor pool in Leduc, but do to mechanical problems at the pool, I haven't actually started working yet.
• I'm considering becoming a PartyLite consultant. This would be a big step for me, and it makes me nervous. But it is really appealing, so I guess we'll wait and see.

And...that's all I got for now.