Dying to Self

I am still reading a book called "Healing is a Choice" by Stephen Arterburn. It has been a slow read because it has 10 decisions that I have to make along the journey. These decisions each take time - the healing process. Each decision is accompanied by a "big lie" that Satan gives us. The first decision was to make meaningful connections. (The lie was that we only needed ourselves and God). This one was hard for me because I've built up barriers to the world in an effort to protect myself. Even once I'd decided I wanted meaningful connections, I didn't know where to go or who to turn to. So I started with my Mom. I told her everything, things she knew and things she didn't. That was hard, but freeing. Since then I have been praying for God to help me make meaningful connections.

Secondly, I needed to make the decision to feel the pain. Remarkably, I had done this before. This was not a new concept, but then I realized that I'm hurting less over J, and more over M. So again, this is an ongoing process. The lie here is that "Real Christians should have real peace in all circumstances." Every Sunday our Pastor makes an invitation to the alter for prayer at the end of his sermon. I had felt the urge to go up a few times, but never found the courage to step forward. A few Sundays ago I felt the pull very strongly and went up. What a freeing feeling to share your pain and know you are prayed for!

I am still in the chapter of this second decision, and I've come across another concept that isn't all that new. Dying to Self: being willing to be uncomfortable for the good of others and the purposes of God. For the purposes of God. Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'" (NLT) God has an amazing plan for my life, and when I let him take the wheel I can start to see evidence of that all around me.

So I am making the choice to heal, because I can hardly wait for what God has in store!

Flashback

I've been hesitant to share this, but after thinking about it for a few days...here it is. I found this on a loose piece of paper at the back of my journal. It is undated, but gathering from the contents, this was from shortly before my engagement ended. This reminds me how far I have come in the last two years, even though sometimes it doesn't feel like I've progressed at all.

Wide awake and miserable. Unable to cry, unable to rest. My weary heart wants to give in. Wanting two things, but knowing I can only have one. Knowing that to have one means to sacrifice the other, and yet unable to do so. Searching for answers and finding none. Alone, not quite at rock bottom, so unable to heal. Afraid that the perceived "right" isn't so right. Afraid to lose what the heart truly desires, but unsure exactly what that is. Afraid to confess any emotions for fear of rejection, but knowing no progress will come. Exhausted but unable to sleep. Wanting to tell him that his presence is intoxicating. Unable to do so because he is not my betrothed. Wanting to find rest in his arms, but unwilling to sacrifice integrity. Wanting to belong, but already given away. Calling for help with no response. Wishing for a straight answer and some relief. Wanting to know if I am truly alone in my turmoil. Wanting to know if he suffers the same. Afraid to lose. Afraid to be judged. Afraid to inflict pain on another. Desperately seeking peace. Frustrated that answers are wolves in sheep's clothing. Questions disguised as answers. Insecurity. Desperation. Weak from submission. Weak from resisting total submission. Why can't there be a break in the clouds?

Metaphors

I am a porcelain doll. Both physically and emotionally. My skin is a creamy white, never brown but never pasty. Porcelain. I am little and weak, I break easily. I pretend to be tough, but it doesn't take much to bring me down. I can't stand rejection. To be alone in a crowded room, even a crowded room of familiar faces, breaks me from the inside out. I like to feel nothing and I do my best to hide my true emotions.

I am a ticking time bomb. With a very short fuse. I explode quickly and violently. I care deeply and passionately, but I often hurt the ones I love. I get angry easily.

I am a kettle of boiling water. I simmer quietly and absorb hurt and pain, but boil over unexpectedly. By the time I boil over, I often forget why the kettle was turned on in the first place. I am prideful and I don't like people to see my pain. I have difficulty asking for help and I like to solve my own problems.

Epiphanies and the Subconscious

I was having a bit of an off-day today. It was just one of those days where I felt overtired, and in sort of the mood to sit in a corner all by myself and just sulk. I hate those days. I just feel so powerless to do anything about it. But I had an epiphany at work, amidst my sulking. Here it is: some people I met at one of the churches we tried, got engaged recently. They hadn't been dating long, but they are wonderful people. I also have no doubt from an outsiders perspective that they are perfect for each other. But something happens in my subconscious when I hear this sort of news...it just sets the day off on the wrong foot. It leaves me lonely and exhausted. I don't know what it is about hearing that other people have found their soulmate, but it makes me sad rather than happy. Happy for them, of course...but sad. In this moment, all I can really think of is that Michael Buble song on the radio right now: "Haven't met you yet". And so it is...I just haven't met him yet. But I have faith that he is out there, that I'm not allowed to meet him until both of us are ready, and that when we do meet...it will be amazing.

Friends

What is a friend? I looked up the definition at dictionary.com, and the typical response is: someone who you care about and cares about you, someone you have a lot in common with, someone you can trust, etc. But what about a best friend? This is someone who you care about and cares about you unconditionally, someone you can trust with all your hopes, dreams and secrets. I think sometimes we confuse best friend with favourite friend. Even someone who really is your best friend, may not always be your best friend. When your lives start to take different directions, will you always be best friends? Or will you now be just friends, and move on to new best friends with more similar lifestyles?

I had a best friend when I was young, then I had a new best friend when I moved to AB, then when I graduated I again, had a new best friend. I had a best friend when I got engaged, and a best friend when I got dumped. I had a best friend whom I travelled Europe with. Most of these best friends are different people. I am again faced with the dilemma of my best friends moving on to new and better things, and me getting left behind. I have one best friend who is getting married. I have two best friends who are graduating from University and/or moving out in the near future. I no longer know who is my best friend by definition. All of these best friends I still would call my closest friends, but I don't know who the friend is that I am supposed to trust with all my hopes, secrets and dreams. I don't know who the friend is that is going to be there no matter what. I don't know which friend I'm supposed to go to when I need a shoulder to cry on.

Maybe what God is trying to tell me is that there is no human being who is your best friend by definition. At least not permanently. From time to time there will be that special friend who fits the definition, but lifestyles change and people move on. But the only one who will be there through the good times and the bad, the only one who will be there even when you reject Him, the only one who will wait patiently for you to get your head on straight, is God.

Just when you thought

I thought I was strong

but really I'm weak

I thought I was brave

but found I'm a coward

I thought I had healed

but it never goes away

I thought I needed time

but time is never enough

I thought and I thought

and I thought

but I was wrong

My Happy List

Several years back, while visiting a friends house at lunch I noticed this book called the "Happy List". Inside was just a list of all sorts of things that helped bring a ray of sunshine into the author's day. A while later, I was have a hard time. I don't remember why, but I was down and depressed a lot. So I made myself a happy list. I've since put it away in my desk drawer, and forgotten about it. It came to mind yesterday and I thought maybe I would share it with you! It definitely helped bring a smile to my face in a time of need, and I encourage you to try it someday!

lightening, thunder, cellphones, ipods, tree-forts, hammocks, tree swings, sunsets, sunrises, stars, snowmobiling, sand castles, canoeing, leather couches, mascara, chocolate covered almonds, oreos dipped in peanut butter, car fresheners, brand name clothes, Jones soda, fuzzy sweaters, talking on the phone all night, dolphins, view from mountaintops, high school band trips, water fights, scavenger hunts, iced tea, snowball fights, snow angels, corvettes, fireplaces, hot chocolate, disneyland, the ocean, white water rafting, hot showers, bubble baths, waterfalls, rock walls, jellybellies, hockey, blue eyes, islands, squishing mud between your toes, God's love, my best friend, my boyfriend (at the time), friends in general, family, high school, graduating from high school, cars, swimming, snowboarding, mountains, sunglasses, dresses, sweatpants, chocolate, roses, daisies, springtime, summertime, fresh rain, the smell of rain, buttery popcorn, asparagus, chicken, ice cream, strawberry sundaes, ice cream on cold days!, teddy bears, Stitch (Lilo & Stitch), apple cider, sleep, cuddling, holding hands, kittens & cats, puppies & dogs, pirates, music, acting, musical theatre, drama, movies, babies, lava lamps, snooze buttons, accessories, hats, shopping, paydays, shoes and boots, dancing, dizzy dancing, making snowmen, board games, MSN, shiny objects, candles, trampolines, romance novels, cologne, bowling, mini golfing, autumn leaves, lipstick & lipgloss, sleepovers, big screen TVs, dinner by candlelight, haircuts, weddings, birthday parties, bridges, roasting marshmallows, smores, campfires, camping, beaches, soda pop, thanksgiving dinner, FOOD, card games, class spares, Dance - salsa, tango, music, blank pages, acing tests, burps, black & white pictures, pillow fights, sledding, ice cream sandwiches, rainbows, poodle skirts, exercising, monkeys, archie comics, clear skin, lunch dates, window shopping, smell of spring, slippers, physics class (really?!?! I think it was my teacher), "boring" testimonies, fancy hotel rooms, surround sound, baking cookies, Mike's (my youth pastor) bad drawings, the picture of me in Jesus' palm - safe and sound, kisses, wildflowers, apple pie, cheesecake

Wow, that was a long list. Some of those things are definitely outdated, but they applied at the time. I think if I were to write a happy list again, less than half of those things would still be on there. Maybe I'll have to do that...maybe for my 50th post, which I noticed is coming up soon!

Maybe, after all.

I think maybe there IS purpose to my pain after all. I remember right after Jordan called off our engagement, suddenly there were all these people around me who had gone through the same thing I did, telling me I'd make it through. I had no idea that these people had been engaged before finding the love of their life. Who knew? Here I thought I was the only one. Regardless, it was still hard. I was angry at God for letting me suffer. Why should I have to endure such pain? To me, it wasn't fair. I was also told regularly, that maybe someday I could use my experiences to help someone else.

Well I think that time has come sooner than expected. I mean, I'm still healing! How could I possibly help someone else already? A girl I work with was recently dumped by her long time boyfriend, because he said he "didn't love her anymore." She's crushed, and is clearly still very much in love with him. The two of us had a long heartfelt chat about the healing process. She sees me, knows my story, and sees hope. She sees that she can and will make it through. I left work both sad and hurting for her, and happy that my suffering was not futile. I think this is the first of many times I will re-live my experience for someone else's benefit - and I'm glad.

There IS hope, and there IS purpose to my pain. I will be okay, and I will be able to help others move forward because of it. Thank you Lord.

Not Yet My Child

Weddings are everywhere. There are friends getting married, strangers getting married, even people just trying to find the right person to marry. But do you want to know what I've discovered is hardest out of them all?

Watching people younger than me get married.

Watching people younger than me marry their high school sweetheart.

Watching people younger than me go down the same path I did - but have it work out for them, and NOT end in a giant mess.

Don't get me wrong, I would NEVER wish my pain on someone else, but I see that and realize that it was almost me. Not necessarily that it should have been me. Well okay, it should have been me. But mostly that it was almost me.

I sit in church and scope out the crowd for eligible bachelors somewhere near my age. And then I look up and ask "when is it going to be my turn?" Do you know what I hear?

"Not yet my child. You are not ready yet."

Please Pray

Things got hard again. I understand the whole cycling emotions thing, but recently, things got hard again. Last night was College & Career with the Devonians (instead of the people at Ellerslie Baptist), and it is mostly couples...plus me. I'm getting better at still enjoying myself around people who are quite obviously in love, but inevitably the conversation turns to relationships at some point. I can only take so much before I am ready to go home and crawl into a corner all by myself. So if you could pray...for peace and for continued healing... that would be much appreciated. Thank you.

Not Ready

This post already feels like it is going to be all over the map - so bear with me. I just feel like I need to talk - or type in this case.

It frustrates me that I'm still hurting and angry over something that happened over a year ago. I miss being in a relationship - I miss the talks, the kisses, the dates, the romantics dinners, walks, etc...well pretty much everything that accompanies man. But I think I know why God isn't bringing a man into my life at this point. That is a big step on its own - I think. I keep saying that I'm not looking for a boyfriend, that I don't really have time for one anyways, that I need to focus on my school, that I don't really need one because I have such great friends to hang out with instead. All this is true - but it is really just a cover up for the pain and hurt and longing I have. Ready for it? I'm not ready for a significant other. That's it - it is that simple (well not really). I'm still angry and hurting. I'm still bitter and frustrated. I'm still healing. How am I supposed to help a new relationship blossom if I spend so much time planning my revenge?

I was looking through some recent pictures, and realized that I can see the sadness and hurt in my own eyes. Is that sad - when you know that you had a good time that night, and that you are smiling and enjoying yourself in that picture, but you can still see how empty you are?

Our pastor has been speaking about peace. This Sunday he talked about Finding Peace Within. I must admit I went into the service angry (about a completely different matter) and unwilling to absorb anything from that service. I was in tears by the end! Peace and healing comes from going to God - the only one who can give you that peace and healing. Isn't it funny how simple it sounds - and yet we don't think of it ourselves? Also how hard it can be to actually do that? God allows tribulations in our lives - even though he knows they are coming and knows that they will hurt us - so that we continue to run to Him!

A book I would like to read this winter is by Stephen Arterburn - "Healing is a Choice". Pastor Colin Greene summarized a very good point this author made in his book. Feeling facilitates healing. Is there a problem you need to address? Are you angry? This is the part in the sermon where I started to pay attention. Yes. I am angry. I am plotting my revenge. I am harbouring a hatred towards someone from my past. Yes, it does affect my life now. Yes, it has left scars and has left me bitter. I've been telling you that I've been healing, that I'm better, this and that. I think that has been denial of what is really going on. I've been shovelling all my feelings into the back corner of my heart and mind, and covering them up with daisies and lollipops. I'm not letting myself feel it because I know how much it hurts! But I need to feel it because I need to know how much it hurts so I run back to God - the only one who can make it better and bring peace into my life.

Typing this has left tears running down my face - and it is most definitely going to make it difficult for me to finish studying for my exams tomorrow... I think I'm going to leave it at that, make an attempt at recovery and get back at it. Thanks for listening.

Angry

I've noticed that, even as time goes on, I'm consistently angry. At Jordan, and the vast majority of his immediate family. For little things and big things and well, just everything having to do with them. Its poisonous! I want to stop being angry and just MOVE ON already! I want to take my own advice and just get over it - because he certainly has. I just hate him so much!

If you want to know - this trigger has to do with facebook. Does anyone else besides me find it extremely immature when your ex (who - might I mention - was your boyfriend for three YEARS and then your FIANCE?!?!), and his father and brother, delete you as a friend from facebook. One of the above even blocked me! Like seriously? Grow up!

So please, pray for me. Help me to get this poison out of my life and let God heal me. He's the only one who can.

Searching

A few months ago, my family and I decided we needed to take a break from attending the church that we've attended for the past 5 years. It was a personal decision - with all the issues between Jordan and I, and with our general feeling of unrest. The church was lacking in: the opportunity for my parents to be involved in a worship team, and a solid College & Career base. It has a youth group, and it has a lot of people we have come to know and love. But we weren't worshipping there anymore. It was just a place to go on Sunday, and that's not what church is meant to be! I know for me, I just didn't want to go at all. Walking through those doors put me on edge, and I would be tense and angry through the entire service - NOT conducive to growing close to God. So we left, and sometimes that is something you need to do.

Since then, we have been searching for a church that fills our family's current needs, and for a place where we belong as a family. We've tried about three churches since then; the first one my parents really liked, and we knew some people that attended there already. But again, it was lacking in a College & Career group. In fact, I think I was the only person my age in the entire building. Next we tried Beulah Alliance - a huge church. It was a cool experience, but without persistent effort to get yourself involved, there was no opportunity for meaningful relationships. Now we've arrived at Ellerslie Baptist. I like it there, which is odd for me, because I have been generally guarded and hesitant about church in general. It has a good youth group, a thriving C&C (I even knew one of the girls that attended already), and a wide variety of age groups. The late morning service is filled with young adults and youth that, not only attend, but sit at the front. Just like the Pineridge days! I've attending their C&C group since then, and it is warm and welcoming, and they actually talk about God working in their lives in normal conversation - cool!!!

I have also been attending Devon's attempt at starting up a C&C group - it is filled with people I know. By filled I mean, there are two couples attending besides me. My problem lies within that last sentence. There are two couples attending besides me. I have a general distaste towards couples in general. Its just hard when you are single, and forcing yourself to be single, because you need to be. But you've been there. It sucks.

So we've been searching, and we continue to search. Perhaps we have found a place that we belong, but it will take a while to know for sure. Please, pray that we can find a place that our family just fits. A place where we all get the spiritual nourishment we've been craving.

Contradictions

I think its a female thing. I was going to write a post on how stressed out I was; about little things and big things, silly things and important things. But then I realized that I'm not stressed out - I have a few stressful events that are occupying my thoughts, and I'm a little overtired. So I'm stressed but I'm not - and that itself sends me into a spiral of contradictory emotions. Eventually you're not even sure what you feel? Am I alone in this, am I being over dramatic, or is this really a female thing?

That's not really the point of today's post. What I was going to say - or rather complain about - has a little bit to do with school, and a little bit to do with things in my life I can't seem to get over.

School; I'm trying to finish registering for my courses second semester, but most of the courses I am interested in taking are either only offered first semester, or are scheduled for the same time that I have a different class scheduled for. Why didn't I plan this better? I might end up taking courses I wasn't sure I was interested in, or just only taking four courses total. The latter is less stressful in homework, but means I have to make up that course later on. I have a while before I need to be registered, but I'd like to have it figured out so I don't have to worry about it.

Other; Jordan. He hasn't said anything to me, I haven't had to see him, I should be okay right? Why can't I just move on? It has been a year since the breakup! I feel like I'm pathetic for still struggling with this. I wrote him a letter, saying my peace because I can't seem to get it out verbally. I don't know if I should give it to him or not, because it isn't going to make a difference anyways. I don't want him back - although I'm not sure who I'm trying to convince sometimes. I know more and more every day that he wasn't even my type. I don't even want a boyfriend; well not past the lovely cuddling-having-somebody-who-cares part.

He deleted me as a friend on facebook. His father (our senior church pastor) did too.. Personally, I think this is low. I mean, it shouldn't matter because I'm no longer friends with either of them. But for someone who doesn't even use facebook to sign on a year later to delete his ex-fiance?

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That is why I am stressed out. Here is why I am not:

I'm on top of my homework. In fact, I didn't do anything school-productive besides playing with second semester course registration tonight. I finished my assignment that is due Tuesday, last Tuesday. I'm on top of my notes, and I have midterms coming up that I can study for in a few days.

I have four adorable playful kittens that like to use me as a human jungle gym. They are totally tamed, and I love them.

Thanksgiving dinner is Monday - FOOD. Yay!!

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So here I am, back to square one. I am feeling contradictory.

This is...my life.

Again, I realized that it has been days since I lasted posted. Sometimes I really don't know what to write about - there isn't much exciting going on in my life, and any thoughts/emotions I have are basically the same as the last post. Except maybe not as violent. I supposed I need to remember that the daily happenings here are boring to me, but they may still be of interest to you.

• Re: Apologies. Still angry, but getting better. I find my refuge in the Lord, because there is nowhere else to go, no one else to turn to, and no one else can make it better. And even that is a slow process. I wrote him a letter, since that seems to be the only way I can communicate without screaming and crying. Haven't given it to him yet and I don't think it will do any good. But at least I'll have said my peace. He's never going to give me the apology I desire, so I think I just need to accept that.
• I gave my room the most extensive cleaning that it has ever received since we moved to Alberta. I sorted out my closet, under my bed, etc. and I discovered that I'm a serious packrat. For example, I found an old La Senza bag under my bed, and inside this bag were...more bags...and a shoebox. Inside the shoebox were...even more bags! I threw out a large garbage bag of stuff I could burn, and a second large garbage bag of stuff to go to Salvation army. I even found two old backpacks stashed in the back - both broken and unuseable. Why?!
• I finished the end of summer swim lessons. No more being a drowned rat for at least a month! Yay!! We've also started our annual pool shutdown. The pools will be closed for two weeks, and in this time we have the opportunity to do some cleaning that we can only do when there are no public in the building. So far we've: drained all four pools (leisure pool, lane pool, hot tub and whirlpool), scrubbed a few equipment/janitor room floors with grime away (an acid complex cleaner), organized these equipment/janitor rooms, CLR'd the slide (and accidently stripped some paint off it too), and began cleaning/organizing one of our mechanical rooms. As hard of work as it is...I'm enjoying it! I come home exhausted, but I feel like I've accomplished something. Also, it is cool seeing all the pools empty. The lane pool alone holds over 80 million litres of water. Wow.
• At the moment I'm watching American Outlaws (one of my favorite movies of all time - highly recommend it), making supper (marinated salmon and rice), and getting ready for one more day of shutdown before we head off camping in Saskatchewan. Last big excitement before school starts next Thursday. Ugh.

Well that sums up my life for the past few weeks...hope you enjoyed the brief insight to my life. Ciao till next time.

Apologies

a⋅pol⋅o⋅gy [uh-pol-uh-jee]

Definition: a written or spoken expression of one's regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another

I don't think I need to clarify that definition. It seems pretty obvious and simple as to what an apology entails. In order to apologize for something, you need to be truly sorry. Your authenticity becomes evident within seconds of you opening your mouth. If you feel the need to apologize, you need to humble yourself in order to be able to admit that you were wrong. You have to sacrifice your pride in order to be humble. Any questions thus far? I still think the concept of an apology is a simple thing. How is it possible to get this wrong?

Believe me, it is. First off, speaking for myself, I know that it is not easy to humble yourself and sacrifice your pride. But an apology is fake and useless without it. If you find yourself unwilling to admit that you were wrong - don't bother. I don't want to hear it.

"I want to apologize for how I handled the breakup. I should have spoken the truth in love. Instead, I only spoke the truth."

Guess who's mouth that came out of. Yes, I am furious again. Thought I was doing so good, until he opened his mouth and ambushed me on my first Sunday back to church. I called him when I got home, wishing to meet with him outside of church and try that again. I had some things that I had wanted to say, but didn't get the chance, and I wanted a real apology.

"I do not owe you anything. I will meet with you, but I need a few weeks advance notice. However, I will not apologize for anything else. If you have anything you wish to apologize for, I suggest you think and pray about it beforehand."

Help! I do not owe him another second of my time, not another word out of my mouth, not another smidgen of my emotions. I can't help it! I'm drowning in my own anger and I can not escape. These feelings will never hurt any one but me, and I so long to be free of it all. Every time I see him or hear him speak, I start back at the beginning of the healing process. A fresh wound, every time. I am so sick of this self-righteous, hypocratic Pharisee.

Learning...Me

I'm learning more about myself. Isn't it interesting how, even after 19 years, I still don't know myself? How could I ever completely know anybody else, when I'm still figuring out me. I always knew that I was stubborn, bull-headed and fiercely independent. What I didn't know, is how much that has played into every single decision I've made for all of my life. I didn't know that I insisted on dressing myself since I was 2 years old. I would wear the exact opposite of what my Mom wanted me to wear - and my fashion sense was pretty awful at the time. She couldn't even lay out options for me, I had to choose it completely for myself. Not alot has changed. I still fight suggestions, and feel the need to figure things out and make decisions for myself - even if taking these suggestions into consideration would be for my own good. I almost quit high school band after one year - simply because my Mom wanted me to be in it. I'm glad I eventually came to the decision to stick it out. Sometimes this fierce independence is a good thing. For example, I like to make decisions for my own reasons - not because of anyone elses. I choose things because I want to do them, not because other people think I should do them. Currently, the issue of Bible College is at the center of debate. I have always wanted to go, and I know many of the good reasons to go. But my parents want me to, and that is obvious every time the subject comes up. I don't want to choose to go if I'm only going because they want me to. But I also don't want to not go simply because they want me to - and end up regretting it and disappointing them. My main reason for indecision is that I don't know what the future holds. I only have so much time after I finish my degree to get my Professional Teaching Certificate, and I am not sure how I want to spend that time. Travelling, getting settled into a career, or possibly bible college (among other options).

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On that note, sometimes I want to go to Bible College to see if I can scout out the "right" sort of man. You know, that kind every good Christian girl dreams of marrying. The kind that most good Christian girls do, in fact, find at Bible College. But at the same time, that is why I don't want to go. I don't want to risk finding that guy. Who cares that I've decided I've forgiven Jordan and moved on. I'm still hurting through each day that passes. Some things - such as weddings, chick flicks, and friends in love - get easier, but they are always a painful reminder of how close I was. I still get a lump in my throat when I browse wedding photos, or see the joy on the faces of a young couple in love. My heart is still healing and no matter how much I want someone to need me and love me and cherish me, I'm not ready for the possibility of getting hurt again. I don't want to find somebody that I might like, only to discover that they don't love me back. I know where to look to find that "good Christian boy", and that is exactly why I avoid those places. I'm not yet willing to risk pain for the possibility of joy.

Relationships

Before anyone gets any ideas here, let me make something very clear. I like being single. I do not want a boyfriend right now. I just have a vicious cycle of emotions that I don't really know what to do with. Maybe its just my lack of experience with, well, being single. You see, two of my closest friends are in serious relationships. I am genuinely happy for them, and am glad they've both found someone that they will most likely marry and spend the rest of their lives with. But I'm jealous. Like I said earlier, I don't want a boyfriend. I want to be single right now. The vicious cycle part lies exactly there. I'm jealous, which to me means that I'm not happy with me yet. So I can't go looking for a relationship until I don't feel the need to be jealous anymore. But I miss the feeling of having a guy desire you. Someone who calls you, texts you, seeks to spend time with you. The other problem with having friends in serious relationships, is that they don't have time for you anymore. You maybe get to see them once in a blue moon between jobs, family time, and boyfriend time. I'm single, so I have all the time in the world. Sort of. I have a job and I have my family and that eats up alot of time. I'm grateful for my other single friends, they are the ones I'm close to now. But see my dilemma? I want to see these girls, and just do girl stuff. They don't have the time. Friendships, just like any other relationship, need to be two way. I hate being the one to always call, text, facebok, etc. trying to make plans. But if I don't, nothing happens. And then we start at the beginning again. Jealousy, frustration, and then back to my single friends (whom I love dearly) who have the time.

Forgiveness and Healing

I hate to spin this new blog off with a depressing start. However, this is what has been on my heart the last few weeks. The last year has not been an easy one. It wasn't all bad, in fact I learned alot - about myself, about life. I don't feel sorry for myself anymore, so you shouldn't either. Perhaps we should be celebrating instead!! Lets recap:

June-October, 2008: The man I believed to be the love of my life proposed. It was beautiful, and of course I accepted. We excitedly began planning, but before long we both went back to school. Now I believe God was at work here, because it wasn't very long before I started having doubts. I had alot of tearful nights, long chats with my Mom, and emails with Jordan. I trusted him, so I shared my doubts and feelings with him, confident that he felt secure in our relationship. The middle of October held our 3 year anniversary, as well as my 19th birthday. Both passed without a word. He came home the following Friday and asked to meet me at A&W. I'm going to spare the details, because I'm not trying to evoke sympathy - or resurface anger and bitterness. Long story short he ended the engagement in a manner that could be considered overly harsh, foolish and lacking in integrity and compassion. I wasn't completely surprised, I think I would have ended it by Christmas if he hadn't.

November 2008- April, 2009: A whole wave of emotions. I trudged through school with my closest friends nearby, holding me up. I still managed to pull out good grades in both semesters one and two. I'd have seasons of anger, and seasons of hurt and sadness. I learned how hard it was to see that person in a familiar element and have them turn their nose the other way. I rebounded with a man who was the total opposite of Jordan. He made me feel loved again. Needless to say it was just that. A rebound. I decided that until I could be happy being single I couldn't be happy in a relationship, and ended it on good terms. I learned from Jordan how not to end a relationship. In this time period I also became really close with a girlfriend from work and school. We decided we wanted to travel the world together, and began planning the trip. Semester two came to a close, and I was still battling periods of fierce hate, anger and bitterness. I'd spend entire car rides to and from work muttering and ranting to myself about how he didn't deserve me. Other car rides were spent with the sunroof open and the tunes blasting. Favorite tunes includes "I hate everything about you" - Three Days Grace and "Red High Heels" - Kellie Pickler. Bet you want me back now don't you, don't you. I was in much need of a getaway. A break from reality.

May, 2009: Europe baby. I got that getaway, and it was the best month of my life. It brought a surge of independence, perhaps a little bit of maturity. And alot of healing. I finally have the hang of this single thing, and I'm actually enjoying it. God will bring a man into my life when the time is right. In the meantime, I'm going act my age. I'm 19 and single and that's the way it should be. (For me anyways)

June, 2009: Shortly after I got back, our church had its annual all church campout up at Camp Nakamun. This is the time and the place where I got engaged. A whole year has passed, and I learned I'm still hurting. I'm still angry. Due to work, I only made it up for the Sunday service. Our speaker talked about forgiveness. Talk about God's providence and timing!! I'll confess, this past year has not been one of closeness between me and God. To be exact, I've been running in the other direction. I believe Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins, and I always will believe that. I simply have not been pursuing a relationship with Him, nor living the appropriate lifestyle. Honestly I'm still working on that part. I still resist being a part of a "religion" that produces Pastors-in-training such as the one I almost married. There are still remnants of anger and bitterness that I'm trying to give to God. The wedding day-to-be has passed, and its a relief. I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

In short, I've made a decision to move on. As part of that, I have decided that I don't want to be a raisin, withered with bitterness. I want to be a grape. Plump with life and joy. Whether or not Jordan ever comes to the point in his life where he realizes that how he handled the breakup was wrong, I'm moving on. For my own freedom, I forgive him. This is a conscious decision, one that I cannot make on my own, and one that will take time. But I choose to forgive.

With forgiveness comes healing.