Flashback

I've been hesitant to share this, but after thinking about it for a few days...here it is. I found this on a loose piece of paper at the back of my journal. It is undated, but gathering from the contents, this was from shortly before my engagement ended. This reminds me how far I have come in the last two years, even though sometimes it doesn't feel like I've progressed at all.

Wide awake and miserable. Unable to cry, unable to rest. My weary heart wants to give in. Wanting two things, but knowing I can only have one. Knowing that to have one means to sacrifice the other, and yet unable to do so. Searching for answers and finding none. Alone, not quite at rock bottom, so unable to heal. Afraid that the perceived "right" isn't so right. Afraid to lose what the heart truly desires, but unsure exactly what that is. Afraid to confess any emotions for fear of rejection, but knowing no progress will come. Exhausted but unable to sleep. Wanting to tell him that his presence is intoxicating. Unable to do so because he is not my betrothed. Wanting to find rest in his arms, but unwilling to sacrifice integrity. Wanting to belong, but already given away. Calling for help with no response. Wishing for a straight answer and some relief. Wanting to know if I am truly alone in my turmoil. Wanting to know if he suffers the same. Afraid to lose. Afraid to be judged. Afraid to inflict pain on another. Desperately seeking peace. Frustrated that answers are wolves in sheep's clothing. Questions disguised as answers. Insecurity. Desperation. Weak from submission. Weak from resisting total submission. Why can't there be a break in the clouds?

Just when you thought

I thought I was strong

but really I'm weak

I thought I was brave

but found I'm a coward

I thought I had healed

but it never goes away

I thought I needed time

but time is never enough

I thought and I thought

and I thought

but I was wrong

Not Yet My Child

Weddings are everywhere. There are friends getting married, strangers getting married, even people just trying to find the right person to marry. But do you want to know what I've discovered is hardest out of them all?

Watching people younger than me get married.

Watching people younger than me marry their high school sweetheart.

Watching people younger than me go down the same path I did - but have it work out for them, and NOT end in a giant mess.

Don't get me wrong, I would NEVER wish my pain on someone else, but I see that and realize that it was almost me. Not necessarily that it should have been me. Well okay, it should have been me. But mostly that it was almost me.

I sit in church and scope out the crowd for eligible bachelors somewhere near my age. And then I look up and ask "when is it going to be my turn?" Do you know what I hear?

"Not yet my child. You are not ready yet."

Please Pray

Things got hard again. I understand the whole cycling emotions thing, but recently, things got hard again. Last night was College & Career with the Devonians (instead of the people at Ellerslie Baptist), and it is mostly couples...plus me. I'm getting better at still enjoying myself around people who are quite obviously in love, but inevitably the conversation turns to relationships at some point. I can only take so much before I am ready to go home and crawl into a corner all by myself. So if you could pray...for peace and for continued healing... that would be much appreciated. Thank you.

Not Ready

This post already feels like it is going to be all over the map - so bear with me. I just feel like I need to talk - or type in this case.

It frustrates me that I'm still hurting and angry over something that happened over a year ago. I miss being in a relationship - I miss the talks, the kisses, the dates, the romantics dinners, walks, etc...well pretty much everything that accompanies man. But I think I know why God isn't bringing a man into my life at this point. That is a big step on its own - I think. I keep saying that I'm not looking for a boyfriend, that I don't really have time for one anyways, that I need to focus on my school, that I don't really need one because I have such great friends to hang out with instead. All this is true - but it is really just a cover up for the pain and hurt and longing I have. Ready for it? I'm not ready for a significant other. That's it - it is that simple (well not really). I'm still angry and hurting. I'm still bitter and frustrated. I'm still healing. How am I supposed to help a new relationship blossom if I spend so much time planning my revenge?

I was looking through some recent pictures, and realized that I can see the sadness and hurt in my own eyes. Is that sad - when you know that you had a good time that night, and that you are smiling and enjoying yourself in that picture, but you can still see how empty you are?

Our pastor has been speaking about peace. This Sunday he talked about Finding Peace Within. I must admit I went into the service angry (about a completely different matter) and unwilling to absorb anything from that service. I was in tears by the end! Peace and healing comes from going to God - the only one who can give you that peace and healing. Isn't it funny how simple it sounds - and yet we don't think of it ourselves? Also how hard it can be to actually do that? God allows tribulations in our lives - even though he knows they are coming and knows that they will hurt us - so that we continue to run to Him!

A book I would like to read this winter is by Stephen Arterburn - "Healing is a Choice". Pastor Colin Greene summarized a very good point this author made in his book. Feeling facilitates healing. Is there a problem you need to address? Are you angry? This is the part in the sermon where I started to pay attention. Yes. I am angry. I am plotting my revenge. I am harbouring a hatred towards someone from my past. Yes, it does affect my life now. Yes, it has left scars and has left me bitter. I've been telling you that I've been healing, that I'm better, this and that. I think that has been denial of what is really going on. I've been shovelling all my feelings into the back corner of my heart and mind, and covering them up with daisies and lollipops. I'm not letting myself feel it because I know how much it hurts! But I need to feel it because I need to know how much it hurts so I run back to God - the only one who can make it better and bring peace into my life.

Typing this has left tears running down my face - and it is most definitely going to make it difficult for me to finish studying for my exams tomorrow... I think I'm going to leave it at that, make an attempt at recovery and get back at it. Thanks for listening.

Angry

I've noticed that, even as time goes on, I'm consistently angry. At Jordan, and the vast majority of his immediate family. For little things and big things and well, just everything having to do with them. Its poisonous! I want to stop being angry and just MOVE ON already! I want to take my own advice and just get over it - because he certainly has. I just hate him so much!

If you want to know - this trigger has to do with facebook. Does anyone else besides me find it extremely immature when your ex (who - might I mention - was your boyfriend for three YEARS and then your FIANCE?!?!), and his father and brother, delete you as a friend from facebook. One of the above even blocked me! Like seriously? Grow up!

So please, pray for me. Help me to get this poison out of my life and let God heal me. He's the only one who can.

Searching

A few months ago, my family and I decided we needed to take a break from attending the church that we've attended for the past 5 years. It was a personal decision - with all the issues between Jordan and I, and with our general feeling of unrest. The church was lacking in: the opportunity for my parents to be involved in a worship team, and a solid College & Career base. It has a youth group, and it has a lot of people we have come to know and love. But we weren't worshipping there anymore. It was just a place to go on Sunday, and that's not what church is meant to be! I know for me, I just didn't want to go at all. Walking through those doors put me on edge, and I would be tense and angry through the entire service - NOT conducive to growing close to God. So we left, and sometimes that is something you need to do.

Since then, we have been searching for a church that fills our family's current needs, and for a place where we belong as a family. We've tried about three churches since then; the first one my parents really liked, and we knew some people that attended there already. But again, it was lacking in a College & Career group. In fact, I think I was the only person my age in the entire building. Next we tried Beulah Alliance - a huge church. It was a cool experience, but without persistent effort to get yourself involved, there was no opportunity for meaningful relationships. Now we've arrived at Ellerslie Baptist. I like it there, which is odd for me, because I have been generally guarded and hesitant about church in general. It has a good youth group, a thriving C&C (I even knew one of the girls that attended already), and a wide variety of age groups. The late morning service is filled with young adults and youth that, not only attend, but sit at the front. Just like the Pineridge days! I've attending their C&C group since then, and it is warm and welcoming, and they actually talk about God working in their lives in normal conversation - cool!!!

I have also been attending Devon's attempt at starting up a C&C group - it is filled with people I know. By filled I mean, there are two couples attending besides me. My problem lies within that last sentence. There are two couples attending besides me. I have a general distaste towards couples in general. Its just hard when you are single, and forcing yourself to be single, because you need to be. But you've been there. It sucks.

So we've been searching, and we continue to search. Perhaps we have found a place that we belong, but it will take a while to know for sure. Please, pray that we can find a place that our family just fits. A place where we all get the spiritual nourishment we've been craving.

Forgiveness and Healing

I hate to spin this new blog off with a depressing start. However, this is what has been on my heart the last few weeks. The last year has not been an easy one. It wasn't all bad, in fact I learned alot - about myself, about life. I don't feel sorry for myself anymore, so you shouldn't either. Perhaps we should be celebrating instead!! Lets recap:

June-October, 2008: The man I believed to be the love of my life proposed. It was beautiful, and of course I accepted. We excitedly began planning, but before long we both went back to school. Now I believe God was at work here, because it wasn't very long before I started having doubts. I had alot of tearful nights, long chats with my Mom, and emails with Jordan. I trusted him, so I shared my doubts and feelings with him, confident that he felt secure in our relationship. The middle of October held our 3 year anniversary, as well as my 19th birthday. Both passed without a word. He came home the following Friday and asked to meet me at A&W. I'm going to spare the details, because I'm not trying to evoke sympathy - or resurface anger and bitterness. Long story short he ended the engagement in a manner that could be considered overly harsh, foolish and lacking in integrity and compassion. I wasn't completely surprised, I think I would have ended it by Christmas if he hadn't.

November 2008- April, 2009: A whole wave of emotions. I trudged through school with my closest friends nearby, holding me up. I still managed to pull out good grades in both semesters one and two. I'd have seasons of anger, and seasons of hurt and sadness. I learned how hard it was to see that person in a familiar element and have them turn their nose the other way. I rebounded with a man who was the total opposite of Jordan. He made me feel loved again. Needless to say it was just that. A rebound. I decided that until I could be happy being single I couldn't be happy in a relationship, and ended it on good terms. I learned from Jordan how not to end a relationship. In this time period I also became really close with a girlfriend from work and school. We decided we wanted to travel the world together, and began planning the trip. Semester two came to a close, and I was still battling periods of fierce hate, anger and bitterness. I'd spend entire car rides to and from work muttering and ranting to myself about how he didn't deserve me. Other car rides were spent with the sunroof open and the tunes blasting. Favorite tunes includes "I hate everything about you" - Three Days Grace and "Red High Heels" - Kellie Pickler. Bet you want me back now don't you, don't you. I was in much need of a getaway. A break from reality.

May, 2009: Europe baby. I got that getaway, and it was the best month of my life. It brought a surge of independence, perhaps a little bit of maturity. And alot of healing. I finally have the hang of this single thing, and I'm actually enjoying it. God will bring a man into my life when the time is right. In the meantime, I'm going act my age. I'm 19 and single and that's the way it should be. (For me anyways)

June, 2009: Shortly after I got back, our church had its annual all church campout up at Camp Nakamun. This is the time and the place where I got engaged. A whole year has passed, and I learned I'm still hurting. I'm still angry. Due to work, I only made it up for the Sunday service. Our speaker talked about forgiveness. Talk about God's providence and timing!! I'll confess, this past year has not been one of closeness between me and God. To be exact, I've been running in the other direction. I believe Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins, and I always will believe that. I simply have not been pursuing a relationship with Him, nor living the appropriate lifestyle. Honestly I'm still working on that part. I still resist being a part of a "religion" that produces Pastors-in-training such as the one I almost married. There are still remnants of anger and bitterness that I'm trying to give to God. The wedding day-to-be has passed, and its a relief. I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

In short, I've made a decision to move on. As part of that, I have decided that I don't want to be a raisin, withered with bitterness. I want to be a grape. Plump with life and joy. Whether or not Jordan ever comes to the point in his life where he realizes that how he handled the breakup was wrong, I'm moving on. For my own freedom, I forgive him. This is a conscious decision, one that I cannot make on my own, and one that will take time. But I choose to forgive.

With forgiveness comes healing.