The time is near!

Have you ever experienced a moment where you need to stop and remind yourself to breathe?

Life is crazy busy. Good. But busy.

My ongoing to-do list leaves an anxious knot churning in my stomach, but it sure feels good to check things off my list!

The remainder of this update basically falls under three categories: Practicum. Social Life. Italy Preparations.

Practicum

Spending my days teaching is so much more fulfilling than sitting in university classes. Mentally exhausting? Yes. A lot of work? Yes. A huge learning experience? Yes. Worth it? YES. As I had hoped, this experience has been a confirmation that I am in the right career path. I'm definitely making mistakes (and hopefully learning from them), but I'm loving every second. Heading into teaching I had always thought I would want to teach high school, and never junior high. Now, however, I definitely feel the pull towards junior high. What an interesting age group! Granted, I hated junior high. But it is much more fun when you are the teacher! Chemistry is a lot of fun to teach, and I've learned that there is a LOT of prep work that goes into everything that teachers do. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I've also learned that when I forget something, stressing over it makes me slightly crazy. I have awesome mentor teachers who provide me with really good feedback, and overall the experience has just been really good. I finish December 17, and I know I will breathe a huge sigh of relief when it is over. But I also know I'm going to miss these kids and teachers.

Social Life

M & C - the two sides of my triangle - are insanely busy with school, since they are both trying to graduate this year. Add that to the fact that I'm not at the University right now, but rather in Spruce Grove, and it isn't surprising we don't see each other much. A further complication is the limited amount of free time I seem to have with all this planning/prep for my practicum. On the flip side, most of my free time seems to be spent with J. A certain somebody that I seem to like... a lot. And for some strange reason he seems to like me back. Curious to see where this is going to go with time. God is at the wheel of our lives and our relationship, so I can hardly wait to see what is in store for us!

Snowboarding season is finally upon us! Hoping to get to the mountains once (maybe twice)... before I give up my season for Italy.

Italy Preparations

Flights booked? Check. Leaving Jan 1st, returning Apr 4th. Insurance in place? Check. Funds in place? Check. Allow me to elaborate on this one. I have been really stressed about having enough money to relax while I am away, so I applied for a few scholarships. 1st one - a discount on my accommodations while I am gone, based on financial need. 2nd one - actually not a scholarship, I appealed my loan to get a bit more money. 3rd one - I forgot about it. I applied wayyy back in September, never thinking I had a shot. 1st one - Check! $1000 off my accommodations. Following this one I examined my situation and figured I needed about $1500 to make it through. 2nd one - Loans informed me they could give me ~$500 more. 3rd one - What a lovely surprise email informing me that I was receiving a $1000 scholarship. Necessary $1500? Check. Praise God! He seems to know exactly what we need, and when we trust that He will provide... He does.

After Dec. 17, when I no longer have to worry about practicum, the final details will begin to fall into place. Packing and tying off loose ends. This is going to be an adventure of a lifetime! Now, about leaving J behind. God is at the wheel, and if this relationship is something He wants for us... I know we will make it through. This doesn't mean I'm not going to miss him... a lot. Nor does it mean it will be easy. But it does mean that when I come home... that moment will be awesome.

Life as we know it

Realizing that yet again I've neglected to keep you updated on the happenings around my side of the world...

Reasoning for this? I'm surprisingly busy! I don't know how I do this, but my plate is FULL this semester! First off, I'm doing my first practicum - called my IPT. This involves a condensed semester at the University, with interrelated assignments and endless readings, followed by a 5 week term in a high school placement. Whew!

Secondly, I have signed up as a PartyLite consultant and it's a bit hectic getting that business onto it's feet! I do enjoy it though, it is so flexible! As Rachael likes to put it, I'm getting paid to show off amazing product, meet new people and eat good food!

Third, I'm still working as a lifeguard at the LRC. Lifeguarding and teaching lessons - routine and easy. I love the people I work with and I love my job. Most days. All jobs have their ups and downs, and I'm always grateful that I have the job I do.

Fourth! I'm preparing to go to Italy next semester! There are a lot of preparations involved for studying overseas, and part of that is ensuring that my finances are in order. I can't wait to explore Europe again and immerse myself in the culture! I really hope to begin to gain an understanding of the Italian language as well. Preparations include: student loans, flights, orientation sessions, student visa applications, travel insurance, etc...

Lastly (but certainly not least important), I've been getting to know someone. This relationship has indeed taken off and I'm enjoying every minute of it! However, I'm not going to dish details all over my blog...but I thought I would insert that tidbit of information as it pertains to my busy life.

It is always hard to get back into the routine of a new semester at school, but once that routine is figured out it's much less stressful. Now it's making sure I have time for everything I have to do, and then things that I want to do. Wouldn't life be easier if those were the same things?

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On a completely different note, I'm planning to have an appetizer party for my 21st birthday with (hopefully) lots of people. But I need some more ideas for appetizers! Already on my list: Thai Ribs, Spinach & Artichoke dip, Chocolate Fondue (dessert), Stuffed baked potatoes, chili con queso, maybe wings....

Any other ideas? What is your all-time favourite appetizer?

Same old, same old

I've got writers block. Well sort of. I've got things on my mind but I don't know how to articulate them onto here, or even if I should. I haven't blogged in ages, and I feel bad because I check back almost daily to see if any of you guys have updated your blogs. The other problem is that there really isn't anything new in my life! I get asked that question anytime I catch up with an old friend, or work with someone I haven't seen in a while. Even then I have no solid answer. "Oh you know, same old same old." The funny part is how true that is. But I want to blog. I want to tell you something new and exciting, or even give you a window into our lives. So lets see if I can muster up some news.

My good friend Stephanie May got married to her brave warrior Chad Vandermeulen this past Saturday. Engagement announcement here. They are just the beginning of many friends my age getting married, and I will still be single. Which is okay, I want to wait for my perfect match as patiently as possible.

Only a month left before I go back to school. Doing my first in class practicum this semester and I am really quite nervous. Sad that summer is almost over, but yet excited to change up the daily routine again.

I officially joined PartyLite as a consultant, and am slowly trying to build my business. It's exciting and frustrating all at the same time.

Getting excited for Cortona in January! The remainder of preparations won't happen until October or later, but I think I have the money portion prepared. Mom and I have also been planning (and dreaming) about our three week trip together after my semester is done. Right now it looks like we're doing London, Italy, Czech (Prague), Austria (Vienna), maybe Greece, maybe Turkey, maybe Germany. We're stuck between seeing as much as possible, and allowing time to spend extra days in our favourites.

There are other things going on in my life, but I'm not ready to blog about them at this point. If the timing becomes appropriate, you will know. If not, consider it unimportant. Funny though, I came up with more to talk about than I expected. Interesting how that sometimes happens isn't it?

Anticipation (Pt. II)

I am anticipating my first kiss.

But not my first kiss ever.

Because I've already had that.

I am anticipating my first kiss.

My first kiss

With the man I am going to spend

The rest of my life with.

I won't know it then.

But that first kiss will be

The beginning to a lifetime.

Forever

It feels like it has been forever since I last posted, but I don't think I have anything to say. Maybe that's okay...

But in the name of doing a blog post anyways, here is a brief update on the happenings around here:

• I'm still working evenings at the pool, and I'm getting lonely. I see people at work, but that isn't the same as hanging out with friends and family and doing what you want to do
• I'm re-modeling my room. Well not totally. I'm spring cleaning, packing things into boxes that don't need to be in my crowded and cluttered room. And I'm moving furniture around to give it a new look.
• I got a second job at the outdoor pool in Leduc, but do to mechanical problems at the pool, I haven't actually started working yet.
• I'm considering becoming a PartyLite consultant. This would be a big step for me, and it makes me nervous. But it is really appealing, so I guess we'll wait and see.

And...that's all I got for now.

Oh where...is my hairbrush?

Hi, my name is Suzette. I am a hairbrush. I like to come out and explore the world outside the drawer. But I've discovered the world is a scary place, with your tools to burn hair into submission so that it hangs straight. *shudder* Or those powders and brushes that make a girls face look like a painted doll. But worst of all is what you do with that porcelain bowl. I don't want to know, see, or smell that. Nasty, disgusting stuff that is. So please, I beg of you, after you've taken me out to play, return me to my warm, safe drawer. Thank-you.

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Disclaimers note:

This is what happens after many failed attempts to remind the other users of my bathroom to put the hairbrush back in the drawer after they use it, rather than leaving it on the counter.

Rants About Nothing

To be honest, I probably shouldn't be on the computer at all. But when you are studying, you inevitably come to a point where your brain says "enough!" I have two exams tomorrow, I'm not ready for them, and Thursday is "TV night"...and here I am, on the computer again. At least it isn't gorgeous weather today, like it has been all week. It's funny really, Southern Alberta got snow, and we got +30C. I even managed to burn my shoulders already. Speaking of gorgeous weather, we really could use some rain to help the grass and trees turn completely green. So far, only the grass has begun greening, but its too dry. Anyways, yesterday I went in to school early for my exam, just so I could sit outside in "Quad" to study. Quad is just a big open grassy space between buildings. On a nice day, there are more students out there than there is grass. Haha. I have three exams left, two tomorrow and one on Tuesday. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but the only thing trudging towards that light is that ticking clock in the background. Of course, I can't wait to be done, but I can't be done until I write these exams...which I should be studying for right now. My brain is so fried already, I don't know how I am ever going to make it. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. Think about summer, think about camping, think about the beach...ouch, sunburn; think about green grass and frisbee...think about anything but your procrastination. There really isn't anything else interesting going on in my life right now. Studying is my normal, until next Tuesday. I sleep in, eat breakfast, study, eat lunch, study, eat supper, study, sing songs about going crazy, and go back to bed. Yep, that's what a normal study day looks like for me! "I am slowly going crazy, 1-2-3-4-5-6 Switch! Slowly going am I crazy, 6-5-4-3-2-1 Switch!" Coming to terms with the fact that I really shouldn't be on the computer, this is me signing off until next time. And this is you realizing, that you have, indeed, wasted a whole 5 minutes reading my rants about nothing. But you probably have a smile twitching at the corner of your mouth.

Marine Animals

I've decided that when I secure a teaching position as a high school biology teacher, I am going to have a "touch tank". And a saltwater aquarium at my house. Allow me to explain! I am taking a zoology course on invertebrates this semester, and I've discovered a passion for echinoderms! Echinoderms = starfish, brittle stars and sea urchins (among other creatures). They are just so cool! We have a touch tank in our lab, and I'm pretty sure I spend a solid 20 minute holding and playing with a sea urchin. When you hold it in the palm of your hand it starts waving its little spines all over the place, and slowly tries to escape. Brittle stars, when antagonized, can lose an arm and regenerate it in a matter of weeks-months. Starfish, as slow as they are, as voracious predators. They have slowly consumed almost all the mussels, barnacles and crabs in our tank. Here are some pictures of some creatures I DEFINITELY need to own (either in the touch tank, my own aquarium, or both).

Sea Urchins

Brittle Star

Starfish - see the difference from the brittle star above?

I'm so excited! I just love this class, even the dissections are cool! The creatures are all so unique and fun! Anyways, thats all for now. Ciao!

Maybe, after all.

I think maybe there IS purpose to my pain after all. I remember right after Jordan called off our engagement, suddenly there were all these people around me who had gone through the same thing I did, telling me I'd make it through. I had no idea that these people had been engaged before finding the love of their life. Who knew? Here I thought I was the only one. Regardless, it was still hard. I was angry at God for letting me suffer. Why should I have to endure such pain? To me, it wasn't fair. I was also told regularly, that maybe someday I could use my experiences to help someone else.

Well I think that time has come sooner than expected. I mean, I'm still healing! How could I possibly help someone else already? A girl I work with was recently dumped by her long time boyfriend, because he said he "didn't love her anymore." She's crushed, and is clearly still very much in love with him. The two of us had a long heartfelt chat about the healing process. She sees me, knows my story, and sees hope. She sees that she can and will make it through. I left work both sad and hurting for her, and happy that my suffering was not futile. I think this is the first of many times I will re-live my experience for someone else's benefit - and I'm glad.

There IS hope, and there IS purpose to my pain. I will be okay, and I will be able to help others move forward because of it. Thank you Lord.

Cleaning My Room

It doesn't take long for my room to get totally trashed, and then it takes so long to get it clean again. Couldn't it be the other way around? Anyways, this has been a long time coming - I started this "project" almost two weeks ago. In that time it got partially clean, totally trashed again, and finally cleaned all the way. Even vacuumed! Wonder how long it will last...

Before:

After:

Not Ready

This post already feels like it is going to be all over the map - so bear with me. I just feel like I need to talk - or type in this case.

It frustrates me that I'm still hurting and angry over something that happened over a year ago. I miss being in a relationship - I miss the talks, the kisses, the dates, the romantics dinners, walks, etc...well pretty much everything that accompanies man. But I think I know why God isn't bringing a man into my life at this point. That is a big step on its own - I think. I keep saying that I'm not looking for a boyfriend, that I don't really have time for one anyways, that I need to focus on my school, that I don't really need one because I have such great friends to hang out with instead. All this is true - but it is really just a cover up for the pain and hurt and longing I have. Ready for it? I'm not ready for a significant other. That's it - it is that simple (well not really). I'm still angry and hurting. I'm still bitter and frustrated. I'm still healing. How am I supposed to help a new relationship blossom if I spend so much time planning my revenge?

I was looking through some recent pictures, and realized that I can see the sadness and hurt in my own eyes. Is that sad - when you know that you had a good time that night, and that you are smiling and enjoying yourself in that picture, but you can still see how empty you are?

Our pastor has been speaking about peace. This Sunday he talked about Finding Peace Within. I must admit I went into the service angry (about a completely different matter) and unwilling to absorb anything from that service. I was in tears by the end! Peace and healing comes from going to God - the only one who can give you that peace and healing. Isn't it funny how simple it sounds - and yet we don't think of it ourselves? Also how hard it can be to actually do that? God allows tribulations in our lives - even though he knows they are coming and knows that they will hurt us - so that we continue to run to Him!

A book I would like to read this winter is by Stephen Arterburn - "Healing is a Choice". Pastor Colin Greene summarized a very good point this author made in his book. Feeling facilitates healing. Is there a problem you need to address? Are you angry? This is the part in the sermon where I started to pay attention. Yes. I am angry. I am plotting my revenge. I am harbouring a hatred towards someone from my past. Yes, it does affect my life now. Yes, it has left scars and has left me bitter. I've been telling you that I've been healing, that I'm better, this and that. I think that has been denial of what is really going on. I've been shovelling all my feelings into the back corner of my heart and mind, and covering them up with daisies and lollipops. I'm not letting myself feel it because I know how much it hurts! But I need to feel it because I need to know how much it hurts so I run back to God - the only one who can make it better and bring peace into my life.

Typing this has left tears running down my face - and it is most definitely going to make it difficult for me to finish studying for my exams tomorrow... I think I'm going to leave it at that, make an attempt at recovery and get back at it. Thanks for listening.

Searching

A few months ago, my family and I decided we needed to take a break from attending the church that we've attended for the past 5 years. It was a personal decision - with all the issues between Jordan and I, and with our general feeling of unrest. The church was lacking in: the opportunity for my parents to be involved in a worship team, and a solid College & Career base. It has a youth group, and it has a lot of people we have come to know and love. But we weren't worshipping there anymore. It was just a place to go on Sunday, and that's not what church is meant to be! I know for me, I just didn't want to go at all. Walking through those doors put me on edge, and I would be tense and angry through the entire service - NOT conducive to growing close to God. So we left, and sometimes that is something you need to do.

Since then, we have been searching for a church that fills our family's current needs, and for a place where we belong as a family. We've tried about three churches since then; the first one my parents really liked, and we knew some people that attended there already. But again, it was lacking in a College & Career group. In fact, I think I was the only person my age in the entire building. Next we tried Beulah Alliance - a huge church. It was a cool experience, but without persistent effort to get yourself involved, there was no opportunity for meaningful relationships. Now we've arrived at Ellerslie Baptist. I like it there, which is odd for me, because I have been generally guarded and hesitant about church in general. It has a good youth group, a thriving C&C (I even knew one of the girls that attended already), and a wide variety of age groups. The late morning service is filled with young adults and youth that, not only attend, but sit at the front. Just like the Pineridge days! I've attending their C&C group since then, and it is warm and welcoming, and they actually talk about God working in their lives in normal conversation - cool!!!

I have also been attending Devon's attempt at starting up a C&C group - it is filled with people I know. By filled I mean, there are two couples attending besides me. My problem lies within that last sentence. There are two couples attending besides me. I have a general distaste towards couples in general. Its just hard when you are single, and forcing yourself to be single, because you need to be. But you've been there. It sucks.

So we've been searching, and we continue to search. Perhaps we have found a place that we belong, but it will take a while to know for sure. Please, pray that we can find a place that our family just fits. A place where we all get the spiritual nourishment we've been craving.

Turning 20

1. Its pretty cool that I no longer have "teen" attached to my name. I sort of label this as Step 2 as the transition to adulthood. Step 1 was turning 18. Step 3 will be turning 21 - legal everywhere! Step 4...25 feels like a good adult age. :)
2. Thursday I had my birthday dinner with my family. We had pork, cheesy potatoes, almond-orange salad, and seasoned tomatoes. Mmm. (Followed by cake, of course.)
3. Friday I went out to dinner with two of my closest friends. Afterwards we went to Gateway Lanes and played a few rounds of pool, and then out for ice cream.
4. Saturday I had a the same friends over just to chill. We ended up watching Kung Fu Panda and Monsters vs Aliens, and then passing out in a heap on my parents bed. Haha.
5. As a group, we find joy in the simple things. Lying on the floor giving ourselves belly rubs after a big meal (you should try it), and laughing about flatulence. Or playing pool/going bowling/ nights of spontaneity.
6. This last year has been a tiring, stressful, but overall GOOD year. Things have changed, I've changed, and I can't wait to see what happens next!
7. In my future I see: more traveling! There are a lot of places I want to be able to experience.
8. I have the urge to move out. Maybe not all by myself - it would be fun to get a place with a few friends. But traveling complicates matters. We'll have to wait and see!
9. When I'm done my degree I would like to: Maybe move to BC and teach there? My degree should at least be good in AB and BC, hopefully all of Canada by the time I'm done.
10. As sad as I am to see summer go, I am greatly anticipating the coming snowboard season. Looking forward to multiple trips to Jasper (and staying in the hostel with friends), and maybe a reading week trip to Panorama.
11. Next summer: in order to save a few more pennies than this last summer, I'll have to work more, travel less. Instead, I think I'll go camping with friends, maybe a road trip or two?
12. Finding a church family: We've temporarily left the church we've been attending - to give everyone a chance to breathe. It's hard to find a new place where we all fit, a place that satisfies our family's diverse needs. Even a college & career group would be nice...
13. My 3rd year of university is an odd mix of less & more stressful. Let me explain. Less stressful because I'm getting better and better at managing my time and figuring out how I learn and study best. More stressful because the courses are getting harder.
14. It doesn't actually feel any different to be a year older. I like to pretend that I feel older and more mature and all that jazz, but I don't. It is just another day and another year.
15. I'm learning how to do all the "Mom" things, for someday when I DO move out. Such as making salsa, making turkey, etc. It's fun!
16. Here in AB, there are two classes of "normal" driver's licences. GDL, and then your normal Class 5. I took my Class 5 drivers exam on Wednesday, in a blizzard, with my summer tires on. But luckily I didn't hit anything, and I passed. What a relief!
17. Now it is nice out again, but I am getting those winter tires put on tomorrow morning anyways. Ridiculous Alberta weather...
18. Last day of lessons tomorrow! I haven't actually done the report cards yet. Oops. Guess I should get on that. But it means instead of spending the whole class doing front floats and front crawl (depending on the level), we get to go on the slide and go in the hot tub too! It is a good day.
19. So You Think You Can Dance Canada Finale on Tuesday. Can't wait, I love that show! My favourites are Tara Jean and Vincent. Everett is a close second for the guys, but I don't have another favourite in the girls.
20. With the amount of change in the last year, I can't even imagine what will happen in the next. Both good and bad, bring it on!

What have you done in the last day? week? month? year? What do you anticipate in the next day? season? year? What is on your mind right now?

Contradictions

I think its a female thing. I was going to write a post on how stressed out I was; about little things and big things, silly things and important things. But then I realized that I'm not stressed out - I have a few stressful events that are occupying my thoughts, and I'm a little overtired. So I'm stressed but I'm not - and that itself sends me into a spiral of contradictory emotions. Eventually you're not even sure what you feel? Am I alone in this, am I being over dramatic, or is this really a female thing?

That's not really the point of today's post. What I was going to say - or rather complain about - has a little bit to do with school, and a little bit to do with things in my life I can't seem to get over.

School; I'm trying to finish registering for my courses second semester, but most of the courses I am interested in taking are either only offered first semester, or are scheduled for the same time that I have a different class scheduled for. Why didn't I plan this better? I might end up taking courses I wasn't sure I was interested in, or just only taking four courses total. The latter is less stressful in homework, but means I have to make up that course later on. I have a while before I need to be registered, but I'd like to have it figured out so I don't have to worry about it.

Other; Jordan. He hasn't said anything to me, I haven't had to see him, I should be okay right? Why can't I just move on? It has been a year since the breakup! I feel like I'm pathetic for still struggling with this. I wrote him a letter, saying my peace because I can't seem to get it out verbally. I don't know if I should give it to him or not, because it isn't going to make a difference anyways. I don't want him back - although I'm not sure who I'm trying to convince sometimes. I know more and more every day that he wasn't even my type. I don't even want a boyfriend; well not past the lovely cuddling-having-somebody-who-cares part.

He deleted me as a friend on facebook. His father (our senior church pastor) did too.. Personally, I think this is low. I mean, it shouldn't matter because I'm no longer friends with either of them. But for someone who doesn't even use facebook to sign on a year later to delete his ex-fiance?

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That is why I am stressed out. Here is why I am not:

I'm on top of my homework. In fact, I didn't do anything school-productive besides playing with second semester course registration tonight. I finished my assignment that is due Tuesday, last Tuesday. I'm on top of my notes, and I have midterms coming up that I can study for in a few days.

I have four adorable playful kittens that like to use me as a human jungle gym. They are totally tamed, and I love them.

Thanksgiving dinner is Monday - FOOD. Yay!!

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So here I am, back to square one. I am feeling contradictory.

This is...my life.

Again, I realized that it has been days since I lasted posted. Sometimes I really don't know what to write about - there isn't much exciting going on in my life, and any thoughts/emotions I have are basically the same as the last post. Except maybe not as violent. I supposed I need to remember that the daily happenings here are boring to me, but they may still be of interest to you.

• Re: Apologies. Still angry, but getting better. I find my refuge in the Lord, because there is nowhere else to go, no one else to turn to, and no one else can make it better. And even that is a slow process. I wrote him a letter, since that seems to be the only way I can communicate without screaming and crying. Haven't given it to him yet and I don't think it will do any good. But at least I'll have said my peace. He's never going to give me the apology I desire, so I think I just need to accept that.
• I gave my room the most extensive cleaning that it has ever received since we moved to Alberta. I sorted out my closet, under my bed, etc. and I discovered that I'm a serious packrat. For example, I found an old La Senza bag under my bed, and inside this bag were...more bags...and a shoebox. Inside the shoebox were...even more bags! I threw out a large garbage bag of stuff I could burn, and a second large garbage bag of stuff to go to Salvation army. I even found two old backpacks stashed in the back - both broken and unuseable. Why?!
• I finished the end of summer swim lessons. No more being a drowned rat for at least a month! Yay!! We've also started our annual pool shutdown. The pools will be closed for two weeks, and in this time we have the opportunity to do some cleaning that we can only do when there are no public in the building. So far we've: drained all four pools (leisure pool, lane pool, hot tub and whirlpool), scrubbed a few equipment/janitor room floors with grime away (an acid complex cleaner), organized these equipment/janitor rooms, CLR'd the slide (and accidently stripped some paint off it too), and began cleaning/organizing one of our mechanical rooms. As hard of work as it is...I'm enjoying it! I come home exhausted, but I feel like I've accomplished something. Also, it is cool seeing all the pools empty. The lane pool alone holds over 80 million litres of water. Wow.
• At the moment I'm watching American Outlaws (one of my favorite movies of all time - highly recommend it), making supper (marinated salmon and rice), and getting ready for one more day of shutdown before we head off camping in Saskatchewan. Last big excitement before school starts next Thursday. Ugh.

Well that sums up my life for the past few weeks...hope you enjoyed the brief insight to my life. Ciao till next time.

Learning...Me

I'm learning more about myself. Isn't it interesting how, even after 19 years, I still don't know myself? How could I ever completely know anybody else, when I'm still figuring out me. I always knew that I was stubborn, bull-headed and fiercely independent. What I didn't know, is how much that has played into every single decision I've made for all of my life. I didn't know that I insisted on dressing myself since I was 2 years old. I would wear the exact opposite of what my Mom wanted me to wear - and my fashion sense was pretty awful at the time. She couldn't even lay out options for me, I had to choose it completely for myself. Not alot has changed. I still fight suggestions, and feel the need to figure things out and make decisions for myself - even if taking these suggestions into consideration would be for my own good. I almost quit high school band after one year - simply because my Mom wanted me to be in it. I'm glad I eventually came to the decision to stick it out. Sometimes this fierce independence is a good thing. For example, I like to make decisions for my own reasons - not because of anyone elses. I choose things because I want to do them, not because other people think I should do them. Currently, the issue of Bible College is at the center of debate. I have always wanted to go, and I know many of the good reasons to go. But my parents want me to, and that is obvious every time the subject comes up. I don't want to choose to go if I'm only going because they want me to. But I also don't want to not go simply because they want me to - and end up regretting it and disappointing them. My main reason for indecision is that I don't know what the future holds. I only have so much time after I finish my degree to get my Professional Teaching Certificate, and I am not sure how I want to spend that time. Travelling, getting settled into a career, or possibly bible college (among other options).

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On that note, sometimes I want to go to Bible College to see if I can scout out the "right" sort of man. You know, that kind every good Christian girl dreams of marrying. The kind that most good Christian girls do, in fact, find at Bible College. But at the same time, that is why I don't want to go. I don't want to risk finding that guy. Who cares that I've decided I've forgiven Jordan and moved on. I'm still hurting through each day that passes. Some things - such as weddings, chick flicks, and friends in love - get easier, but they are always a painful reminder of how close I was. I still get a lump in my throat when I browse wedding photos, or see the joy on the faces of a young couple in love. My heart is still healing and no matter how much I want someone to need me and love me and cherish me, I'm not ready for the possibility of getting hurt again. I don't want to find somebody that I might like, only to discover that they don't love me back. I know where to look to find that "good Christian boy", and that is exactly why I avoid those places. I'm not yet willing to risk pain for the possibility of joy.

Something New and Exciting

It would seem there are quite a few of us struggling with writers block. I noticed that I hadn't blogged in a few days, and I felt the need for an update. However, I don't know what to write on either!! Even browsing a few of your blogs I didn't pick up any ideas in particular. I don't even do anything overly exciting to tell you what I've been up to. :( For example... Since I last blogged I have:
- been to work
- taught adorable children how to swim
- completed some
- incompleted others
- seen Transformers 2 (for the second time) in IMAX (for the first time)
- cleaned my room,
- let it get messy again
- paid bills
- got depressed at my lack of spending cash
- cheered up at the thought of getting paid on Friday
- got depressed at my debt from travelling such that getting paid does not result in spending cash
- browsed pictures from Europe and cheered up again
- gone shopping anyways
- had a weiner roast with Colette
- started planning "Kyra & Colette in Europe - take 2"
- slept in
- stayed up late
- watched most of the first season of The Mentalist (strongly recommend it)
- added to and counted up my movie collection (I'm at 80 - averaging each at $20 that would be $1600 worth of movies - wow)
- baked cookies
- baked cookies again
- got a swimsuit sunburn
- read the Twilight saga for the second time
- reminded myself why I dislike the lane pool at work so much (pool chemistry is frustrating sometimes...most of the time...always)
- got the oil changed in my car
- went camping at a friends cabin
- went camping with the fam

etc....

Tonight I'm going to see The Proposal with my Mom. We are in much need of a Mother/Daughter date. I'm no longer a little kid (even if my outward appearance deceives you), and we need time to work on being friends instead of just parent & child. I've wanted to see this movie for a while, but since all the other movies I want to see I've already made plans to see with friends, this one is for my Mom. I guess that's all I really do each week - work, sleep, and go see movies with friends. It's the easiest thing to do when you want to hang out - no matter how different your work schedules are, usually there is a late enough - or early enough - show playing somewhere in Edmonton. However, I seriously need something spontaneous to do. Something completely random that I can go camera happy with and just have a grand ol' time.

Baking Cookies

Hopefully you've made your way over here without a problem. Cobblestone Chronicles is idling quiet until I can revive my travel needs. In the meantime, I thought I could continue to share my thoughts, feelings and what goes on in this side of the world. I've discovered I always feel better after I've expressed my emotions. Even when those emotions started out good! I'm now quite settled in to my "regular" summer routine. Sleeping in, relaxing, and then going to work. Unfortunately I don't see my family as often with this schedule, and I also don't see alot of my friends that I don't already work with. But I gotta work to support my habits... (I'm sure you know the feeling.) Today is a 'day off'. A day off? Isn't every day a day off if you get to sleep in? Yesterday was a day off as well. Two days without heading in to the pool to watch people swim! Yay!! To celebrate, my Mom took me out to get pedicures done. Silly thought, I work in super-chlorinated, very wet environment. How long could it possibly last?? So I got bright metallic blue toenails. Why not have fun with it! Today I'm baking cookies. I think I do more 'work' on my days off. My reasoning today was as follows. 1. Its not hot like it was yesterday 2. Fresh baking always makes the house warm and inviting 3. I love fresh cookies.

Oh, and as a side note: If you haven't already - go see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Never as good as the first one (movies are like that I guess), but still pretty intense! Check it out!!