Angry

I've noticed that, even as time goes on, I'm consistently angry. At Jordan, and the vast majority of his immediate family. For little things and big things and well, just everything having to do with them. Its poisonous! I want to stop being angry and just MOVE ON already! I want to take my own advice and just get over it - because he certainly has. I just hate him so much!

If you want to know - this trigger has to do with facebook. Does anyone else besides me find it extremely immature when your ex (who - might I mention - was your boyfriend for three YEARS and then your FIANCE?!?!), and his father and brother, delete you as a friend from facebook. One of the above even blocked me! Like seriously? Grow up!

So please, pray for me. Help me to get this poison out of my life and let God heal me. He's the only one who can.

Apologies

a⋅pol⋅o⋅gy [uh-pol-uh-jee]

Definition: a written or spoken expression of one's regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another

I don't think I need to clarify that definition. It seems pretty obvious and simple as to what an apology entails. In order to apologize for something, you need to be truly sorry. Your authenticity becomes evident within seconds of you opening your mouth. If you feel the need to apologize, you need to humble yourself in order to be able to admit that you were wrong. You have to sacrifice your pride in order to be humble. Any questions thus far? I still think the concept of an apology is a simple thing. How is it possible to get this wrong?

Believe me, it is. First off, speaking for myself, I know that it is not easy to humble yourself and sacrifice your pride. But an apology is fake and useless without it. If you find yourself unwilling to admit that you were wrong - don't bother. I don't want to hear it.

"I want to apologize for how I handled the breakup. I should have spoken the truth in love. Instead, I only spoke the truth."

Guess who's mouth that came out of. Yes, I am furious again. Thought I was doing so good, until he opened his mouth and ambushed me on my first Sunday back to church. I called him when I got home, wishing to meet with him outside of church and try that again. I had some things that I had wanted to say, but didn't get the chance, and I wanted a real apology.

"I do not owe you anything. I will meet with you, but I need a few weeks advance notice. However, I will not apologize for anything else. If you have anything you wish to apologize for, I suggest you think and pray about it beforehand."

Help! I do not owe him another second of my time, not another word out of my mouth, not another smidgen of my emotions. I can't help it! I'm drowning in my own anger and I can not escape. These feelings will never hurt any one but me, and I so long to be free of it all. Every time I see him or hear him speak, I start back at the beginning of the healing process. A fresh wound, every time. I am so sick of this self-righteous, hypocratic Pharisee.