Kittens make my world go round

I could sit outside for hours watching these guys play. Best part of Spring/Summer by far. The remarkable part of this year is watching how quickly they grow - and being able to see the difference each time a new batch of babies are born. I remember when the first batch was the size of the third batch. My how time flies.

On a side note, the last time I posted about kittens was last summer - when Ebony and Charlie were babies. Now they each have their own litter of kittens.

Flashback

I've been hesitant to share this, but after thinking about it for a few days...here it is. I found this on a loose piece of paper at the back of my journal. It is undated, but gathering from the contents, this was from shortly before my engagement ended. This reminds me how far I have come in the last two years, even though sometimes it doesn't feel like I've progressed at all.

Wide awake and miserable. Unable to cry, unable to rest. My weary heart wants to give in. Wanting two things, but knowing I can only have one. Knowing that to have one means to sacrifice the other, and yet unable to do so. Searching for answers and finding none. Alone, not quite at rock bottom, so unable to heal. Afraid that the perceived "right" isn't so right. Afraid to lose what the heart truly desires, but unsure exactly what that is. Afraid to confess any emotions for fear of rejection, but knowing no progress will come. Exhausted but unable to sleep. Wanting to tell him that his presence is intoxicating. Unable to do so because he is not my betrothed. Wanting to find rest in his arms, but unwilling to sacrifice integrity. Wanting to belong, but already given away. Calling for help with no response. Wishing for a straight answer and some relief. Wanting to know if I am truly alone in my turmoil. Wanting to know if he suffers the same. Afraid to lose. Afraid to be judged. Afraid to inflict pain on another. Desperately seeking peace. Frustrated that answers are wolves in sheep's clothing. Questions disguised as answers. Insecurity. Desperation. Weak from submission. Weak from resisting total submission. Why can't there be a break in the clouds?

Never Been Hurt? Not likely.

"Love as though you have never been hurt before"

I just wanted to ask if anybody actually knew how hard that is? Awesome quote, but it seems a bit unrealistic. I have trust issues, and I know that. But did you know that I think it is a good idea to give up dating? I mean, what is the point? You just get hurt. Here's my thoughts on this.

Dear Father God,

Please help me honour my decision to abstain from useless dating. I don't want a fling or a waste of time. I want to get to know people, make friends, know honourable men. I don't want to date them. I don't like to get hurt, so I don't like to risk getting hurt. I understand that I can't love if I don't risk, but I'm not ready to risk. I have come a long way from 2 years ago. It has not been an easy road. But I'm not ready to risk. So please help me honour my decision to abstain from useless dating. Allow my future husband to enter my life when the time is right, and let us be friends until we both know that by dating we have a chance at forever.

Amen

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Now by saying I want to abstain from useless dating, I am not demanding that the next man I date be the man I marry. Because while that thought is hopeful and lovely - it is also unrealistic and unreasonable. But if I am to date another man who will not be my husband, I hope that it brings me one step closer to meeting the man I AM supposed to marry.