Update

I realized that I hadn't posted in a while, and figured perhaps it was time for an update! There isn't a whole lot new going on in my life. But perhaps what isn't new to me, may still be of interest to you! I started the winter semester of school last week, and so far my conclusions are as follows: school is going to kick my butt - badly! I picked some hard ones this semester, so I guess that means a lot of time spent in the books! Here is what I'm taking this semester:

1. Zoology 250 - Survey of Invertebrates (basically a class on worms, crustaceans, etc.)
2. Biochemistry 200
3. Microbiology 265
4. Biology 361 - Marine Science
5. Education Policy Studies 360 - Society and Education

Oh goody!! For those classes that I didn't put a title on, I think you can derive it's contents on your own. Besides school, I'm cramming in as much work as I can. I'm broke as broke can be....so I have to take any opportunities to work as I can.

And that leaves the social life. Whenever I'm not at school, work, or studying, I'm usually with Michael and/or Colette. Together, we make up a triangle. The Three Stooges! And no, I am not dating Michael (and neither is Colette for that matter). I feel the need to clarify this because we get asked that a lot. We're just good friends, and we feel very comfortable around each other. Colette and I spend time scrapbooking our Europe adventure, the three of us spend time snowboarding, having movie marathons, going to movies, playing pool, etc. Despite the hurt and the healing I'm dealing with in the background, I am happy with my life right now.

Not Ready

This post already feels like it is going to be all over the map - so bear with me. I just feel like I need to talk - or type in this case.

It frustrates me that I'm still hurting and angry over something that happened over a year ago. I miss being in a relationship - I miss the talks, the kisses, the dates, the romantics dinners, walks, etc...well pretty much everything that accompanies man. But I think I know why God isn't bringing a man into my life at this point. That is a big step on its own - I think. I keep saying that I'm not looking for a boyfriend, that I don't really have time for one anyways, that I need to focus on my school, that I don't really need one because I have such great friends to hang out with instead. All this is true - but it is really just a cover up for the pain and hurt and longing I have. Ready for it? I'm not ready for a significant other. That's it - it is that simple (well not really). I'm still angry and hurting. I'm still bitter and frustrated. I'm still healing. How am I supposed to help a new relationship blossom if I spend so much time planning my revenge?

I was looking through some recent pictures, and realized that I can see the sadness and hurt in my own eyes. Is that sad - when you know that you had a good time that night, and that you are smiling and enjoying yourself in that picture, but you can still see how empty you are?

Our pastor has been speaking about peace. This Sunday he talked about Finding Peace Within. I must admit I went into the service angry (about a completely different matter) and unwilling to absorb anything from that service. I was in tears by the end! Peace and healing comes from going to God - the only one who can give you that peace and healing. Isn't it funny how simple it sounds - and yet we don't think of it ourselves? Also how hard it can be to actually do that? God allows tribulations in our lives - even though he knows they are coming and knows that they will hurt us - so that we continue to run to Him!

A book I would like to read this winter is by Stephen Arterburn - "Healing is a Choice". Pastor Colin Greene summarized a very good point this author made in his book. Feeling facilitates healing. Is there a problem you need to address? Are you angry? This is the part in the sermon where I started to pay attention. Yes. I am angry. I am plotting my revenge. I am harbouring a hatred towards someone from my past. Yes, it does affect my life now. Yes, it has left scars and has left me bitter. I've been telling you that I've been healing, that I'm better, this and that. I think that has been denial of what is really going on. I've been shovelling all my feelings into the back corner of my heart and mind, and covering them up with daisies and lollipops. I'm not letting myself feel it because I know how much it hurts! But I need to feel it because I need to know how much it hurts so I run back to God - the only one who can make it better and bring peace into my life.

Typing this has left tears running down my face - and it is most definitely going to make it difficult for me to finish studying for my exams tomorrow... I think I'm going to leave it at that, make an attempt at recovery and get back at it. Thanks for listening.

The Pros and Cons of Winter

Pros

• Large quantities of snow
• And thus, SNOWBOARDING!
• Christmas!
• Snow angels
• Snowmen
• Snowmobiling
• Getting pulled on a tractor tire behind the snowmobile
• Snowball fights
• Tobogganing
• Hot tubbing outside, getting out to roll around in the snow, and getting back in
• Hot cocoa by a fire
• Hot apple cider
• Getting tackled by a very excited black retriever who, might I mention, LOVES the snow
• Ice skating on the dugout
• Just how beautiful everything is when it is covered in a blanket of frost and snow

Cons

• -40 with windchill. Need I say more?
• Walking between classes when its freezing cold
• Icy roads full of people that have somehow forgotten how to drive
• BEFORE the snowplow comes out, when I have to use my car as the snowplow to get up my driveway
• Getting stuck because my car can't actually make it up my driveway through those snowdrifts
• AFTER the snowplow comes out, when a two-lane street is really only one and a half

I think it is safe to say that I love winter too.

Got My Snowboard Fix

On Friday, the weather forecast for all of Alberta was a winter storm warning - with up to 20 cm of snow, gusting winds, and guaranteed bad roads. Many highways were shut down due to the large number of accidents.

The Marmot Basin snow report was over 200 cm of total snowfall, with a 191 cm base, and all runs open. And they have a new express quad that takes you from the bottom to the upper mountain. Previously you had to take two chairs - one express quad and one triple - to cover the same distance.

So what did a few friends and I decide to do? Drive to the mountains of course! We had just finished classes, and had been patiently waiting to get our snowboard fix. Besides, we weren't going to study for finals yet anyways!

Having successfully squeezed four adults (well two of us are really only half an adult each), and four snowboards into the Jetta, we headed out at 530am. The roads were crap for the first two hours of the four hour drive - or so I'm told. I scored a passenger seat - rather than the drivers - and slept through it. Oops? We finally made it - an hour and a half after opening, but we made it nonetheless. Conditions = snow, snow and more SNOW! Visibility = not so great. Worth it? Definitely.

Marmot has more snow now, than they did at any point last season. Shredding powder is a lot harder on your muscles than a groomed run, but the trade off is that when you wipe - it doesn't hurt. You simply create a large mushroom cloud of snow instead! We definitely had our fair share of solid crashes, but again, WORTH IT!

Probably our wisest moment of the day was deciding to stay at one of the Jasper hostels rather than driving home yet that night. Roads were decent (considering) in the morning, but had been expected to get progressively worse throughout the day. And it hadn't stopped snowing the entire time we were there.

You may have seen these on Facebook, but here are a few pictures of our adventure:

All geared up and ready to go!

Left: Colette, Right: Josh

Just look at all that snow!

Michael

I am so in my happy place...

Next time she'll do this off a 30ft jump. Right Colette?

Music

Well that last post was a little bit spiteful. Not my usual lets tell a story vibe! That is okay, sometimes thats how I feel and I just need to get it out. I needed to tell someone, and my blog is handy for that! Anyways, I'm sitting here waiting to go to church, listening to my most recent playlist on iTunes, and thought I'd share with you my favourite songs of the moment. I'll give you the titles, maybe a line or two, but I encourage you to download them and give them a listen!

Outside - Staind

"I'm on the outside. I'm looking in. I can see through you, see your true colours."

Sleep Alone - Bat for Lashes

This one is just really cool musically.

You - Breaking Benjamin

"Promise me you'll try, to leave it all behind. 'Cause I've elected help, lying to myself."

Masterpiece Theatre Pt 3 - Marianas Trench

An awesome mix of several songs from their latest cd.

Help I'm Alive - Metric

"Can you hear my heart beating like a hammer?"

Forever - Papa Roach

"Because days come and go, but my feelings for you are forever. One last kiss before I go - it is time to let you go."

Crushcrushcrush - Paramore

"Nothing compares to a quiet evening alone."

Swing Life Away - Rise Against

"I'll show you mine, if you show me yours first. Lets compare scars and I'll tell you who's is worse." "Lets live on front porches and swing life away."

Anti-Venom - USS (Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker)

"You make music in my heart I beat to, you make music in my heart a dance to."

Angry

I've noticed that, even as time goes on, I'm consistently angry. At Jordan, and the vast majority of his immediate family. For little things and big things and well, just everything having to do with them. Its poisonous! I want to stop being angry and just MOVE ON already! I want to take my own advice and just get over it - because he certainly has. I just hate him so much!

If you want to know - this trigger has to do with facebook. Does anyone else besides me find it extremely immature when your ex (who - might I mention - was your boyfriend for three YEARS and then your FIANCE?!?!), and his father and brother, delete you as a friend from facebook. One of the above even blocked me! Like seriously? Grow up!

So please, pray for me. Help me to get this poison out of my life and let God heal me. He's the only one who can.

Searching

A few months ago, my family and I decided we needed to take a break from attending the church that we've attended for the past 5 years. It was a personal decision - with all the issues between Jordan and I, and with our general feeling of unrest. The church was lacking in: the opportunity for my parents to be involved in a worship team, and a solid College & Career base. It has a youth group, and it has a lot of people we have come to know and love. But we weren't worshipping there anymore. It was just a place to go on Sunday, and that's not what church is meant to be! I know for me, I just didn't want to go at all. Walking through those doors put me on edge, and I would be tense and angry through the entire service - NOT conducive to growing close to God. So we left, and sometimes that is something you need to do.

Since then, we have been searching for a church that fills our family's current needs, and for a place where we belong as a family. We've tried about three churches since then; the first one my parents really liked, and we knew some people that attended there already. But again, it was lacking in a College & Career group. In fact, I think I was the only person my age in the entire building. Next we tried Beulah Alliance - a huge church. It was a cool experience, but without persistent effort to get yourself involved, there was no opportunity for meaningful relationships. Now we've arrived at Ellerslie Baptist. I like it there, which is odd for me, because I have been generally guarded and hesitant about church in general. It has a good youth group, a thriving C&C (I even knew one of the girls that attended already), and a wide variety of age groups. The late morning service is filled with young adults and youth that, not only attend, but sit at the front. Just like the Pineridge days! I've attending their C&C group since then, and it is warm and welcoming, and they actually talk about God working in their lives in normal conversation - cool!!!

I have also been attending Devon's attempt at starting up a C&C group - it is filled with people I know. By filled I mean, there are two couples attending besides me. My problem lies within that last sentence. There are two couples attending besides me. I have a general distaste towards couples in general. Its just hard when you are single, and forcing yourself to be single, because you need to be. But you've been there. It sucks.

So we've been searching, and we continue to search. Perhaps we have found a place that we belong, but it will take a while to know for sure. Please, pray that we can find a place that our family just fits. A place where we all get the spiritual nourishment we've been craving.